Super-Alarming, Practical-Cry-For-Help Mega Review (Spoilers and Life Choice Regrets)

[matt_zimmer]

Spent practically two weeks on this one. Feel free to skim and pick and choose what to read. It's a freaking doozy. Also, I need a life.

Reviews for the movies A Fish Called Wanda, The Little Mermaid (2023), and Elemental, the short Dug Days: Carl's Date, all 22 episodes of Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Season 5, the first season of Tiny Toons Looniversity, the latest episodes of Star Trek: Lower Decks, and Star Trek: Very Short Treks, the season finale of Harley Quinn, the latest episodes of Batwheels, Spidey And His Amazing Friends, and American Dad!, and the novel Duma Key.

You can do this, Matt. Nicorette can help. That reminds me. I need to take up smoking.



A Fish Called Wanda

Overrated, but really, what movie from the 1980's isn't?

I recall watching this as a young teenager. Some parts were shockingly funny. Some parts were shockingly boring. But as a kid (more the fool, me) I assumed that the boring plot-driven parts made sense to the adults in the audience and I simply wasn't sophisticated enough to grasp them. Generally speaking about me viewing grown-up movies as a kid years later, that tended to have been the case. In reality, the bank heist here IS overly complicated. I mean none of the complications would have occurred at all if Wanda and Otto hadn't randomly decided to doublecross George for absolutely no reason whatsoever. And once the complications began rising, Wanda, at least, had an option that she should have taken: Called the operation a loss and move onto a different score. If they hadn't made robbing the bank seem so effortless, I might think differently. But she spends a lot of effort and drama trying to get the money for what a sane person would have given up as a bad job a half hour into the picture. These are mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.

As a kid I could not appreciate the subtleties of the message of Otto who HATES being called stupid. He's not just a vulgarian (although him being a jerk is his most easily noticeable quality). A lot of internet memes have quoted Jamie Lee Curtis calling him an ape, and him retorting that apes don't read philosophy. And she says yes they do, they just don't understand it. That is like the most amazing insight ever, and it entirely brushed by me as a dumb kid. I can safely say I didn't grasp the heist not because it was too sophisticated, but because it was ungraspable. However the idea that this vulgar, loud American considered himself worldly and wise, while repeatedly saying and doing stupid things to bollocks everything up, was a new kind of critique of the Ugly American I had never heard of before: The Know-Nothing Know-It-All. King Of The Hill plays Peggy Hill the same way, but not only are the laughs there painful instead of funny, but Peggy is still considered a main protagonist of the show, and the producers are dumb enough to think I should still like that damaging idiot at the end of the day. At least this movie allows us to hate Otto and enjoy every bad thing he brings upon himself.

80's movie. Questionable tropes time. Duh. Ken being a director of SeaWorld in the end titles is not a victory for a supposed animal lover. And I don't like realizing John Cleese wrote the entire damn script while's he's writing himself kiss Curtis' breast. Just ick.

The ending is strong, and probably why the movie made a favorable impression back in the day. Otto's fate is a bit too cartoonish, but really him sticking the chips up Ken's nose while he eats his fish is the set-piece of the film. And you can laugh at his line "It's K-k-k-ken c-c-c-coming to k-k-k-kill me!" But maybe that's the reason he shouldn't have done all that.

It's became a major taboo in Hollywood to kill a dog on-screen. You want to know why the second Jurassic Park movie essentially failed? That's why. That's why it lost the audience. Granted, it was also terrible, but technically so was the first one. It was the dinosaur eating the dog that did it. Here, the filmmakers bravely see the comedy in these cute little pooches getting killed in all these horrible and horribly funny ways. It's probably the first and only film in history that's made killing dogs actually funny. This is simply not done. The fact that the movie gets away with it three times is amazing enough. That fact that you laugh (at least for the second two dogs) is a freaking comedy miracle.

Do I think this is a comedy high point for the 1980's? Possibly. Which is damning to the entire 1980's. Do I think it's overrated, boring in places, and offensive in others? Yeah. That too. Am I still gonna recommend it because of that fast-paced ending at the airport? Yup. ****.




The Little Mermaid (2023)

Whenever I review one of the Disney live-action shot-for-shot remakes, the smartass remark I always return to is, "It's just like the cartoon you loved as a kid. If everything in it were just SLIGHTLY worse." Nobody ever asks for a slightly-worse remake that rarely strays from the source material, but that what the remakes boil down to. In reality, each one that is greenlit is nothing more than a cynical cash grab by Disney. So my claws are out and I'm ready to shred this.

It would a HELL of a lot easier to rag on the film if it weren't so damn likable. I wasn't crazy about most of the new songs, but I thought "Scuttlebutt" was pretty cool, and reminded me a bit of the raps in "Hamilton". And oh, hey, lyrics by Lin-Manual Miranda. Crap like that makes it VERY hard to dislike the film.

See also Jodi Benson's cameo. The film was treated with major skepticism for Halle Bailey's casting as Ariel, and I would hope just having Benson present, passing the torch and giving the project her blessing, would cool down some of the outrage.

And there WAS outrage at a Black Little Mermaid. I was ambivalent about the casting myself, but after seeing the movie I got the logic. Most of the animated set-pieces are, say it with me, slightly worse than the cartoon, none more-so than "Under The Sea". And I feel like casting a black singer allowed the film to have Ariel belt out "Part Of Your World" as A Diva And A Boss. I wouldn't go so far to say it's better than the animated version of Jodi Benson's more wistful take. But I also refuse to declare it worse. And honestly, I love that there is a second reprise after Eric's rejection that is a lament. That is a good idea.

The 2 hour and some odd minute runtime concerned me initially. The cartoon is a pretty lean and mean hour-and-a-half long, and I feared we were in for some padding. Maybe even some that would made the toddlers in the audience squirm and fuss. Honestly, I feel like the extra runtime was good. I feel like the romance between Eric and Ariel feels more developed for one thing. One of the failings of the cartoon is that Ariel and Eric both seem so damn stupid during the entire thing. We are essentially rooting for a couple of total airheads winning Love Connection from the 1980's. Making the feelings gradual and real instead of random (as well Ariel rejecting Ursula's initial offer) makes the characters seem more believable. As does the fact that Ariel doesn't yell at her father that she loves Eric despite never having actually met him. Which is like the weirdest thing ever if you sit down and think about it (and actually kind stalkerish and creepy on her end in the cartoon).

And the cartoon ending on a wedding is the wrong ending. The remake ending on a peace treaty feels better. The extra time also gave this film a better sense of closure and wrapping things up.

If you had asked me who should have played Sebastian in a live-action remake, Daveed Diggs would have been my first choice, and look, there he is. Pretty sneaky, sis.

Melissa McCarthy as Ursula strikes me as stunt casting but at least she can sing.

The way Ariel tells Eric her name isn't exactly credible, but it's a helluva lot more credible than him subliminally absorbing a message from a crab he shouldn't be able to understand.

Speaking of which, I thought Ariel supposedly lost her mermaid powers in this one? So how is it she can still understand Flounder, Sebastian, and Scuttle?

The fact that Eric is coincidentally a hoarder, and Ariel has this expression on her face like, "This guy was made for me," is a way the longer runtime helped.

I also appreciated the brief scene back under the sea where Triton is upset Ariel has gone missing and has no idea where she went. A bit surprised that never came up in the cartoon that she essentially ran away for three days, and her overprotective father never worried about where she was, especially since the last time he saw her they got into the worst fight of both of their lives. Again, good for the extra runtime.

Louis the chef isn't present and neither is "Les Poissons". I loved Louis back in the day, but in reality, he was neither here nor there, and sort existed to give the kids in the audience a crowd-pleasing lowbrow cartoon comedy set-piece. And I appreciate he made the climax more exciting, and his callback made the ending feel satisfying, but still, he was never necessary and felt completely extraneous.

Here's a controversy to ponder. Is the fact that Ursula's human guise that of a white ingenue who has stolen Ariel's voice and identity an allegory for cultural misappropriation, and a critique at white artists who steal the sounds and rhythms of Black artists? Or is the parallel I'm suggesting a huge coincidence on the film's end, and something that great happening is because it turns out the Universe simply appears to be randomly awesome? Discuss amongst yourselves.

I would love to trash talk this movie. And if it sucked, I would. But I really dug it. ****1/2.




Elemental

That was interesting.

For most people when discussing a piece of art or entertainment, that preceding three-word sentence is their way of damning it with faint praise. Anyone who's read my reviews for a decent amount of time knows that's actually my highest compliment.

I had skepticism going in. I hate the fact that most Pixar movies are created around a bizarre high-concept, and the story and characters are secondary to it. Cars is the most egregious example, but truthfully it's been a problem for its films starting from Toy Story, and while some of them have broken out of that mold, most of them are still in it. And do you know drives me nuts? This is a problem for Dreamworks and Illumination too. For computer animated films, the setting seems to be created first. And I don't agree with that kind of storytelling, and it often doesn't lead anywhere interesting. It did for this movie, but as a rule I don't approve.

What's fascinating is this never really seemed to a problem when most animated films were hand-drawn. Most 2-D films before Toy Story were story-based instead of premised-based. I don't see why the change in technology made studios tell their stories in an entirely different way from what had worked for decades, but maybe they believed that's all people are currently interested in.

I like and dislike the allegory of racial tensions. If you were to use it to say "racism is dumb for humanity, and even fire and water can see that and work around it" yeah, that's a good message. But I worry that the film might actually be right on some level that elements can't or shouldn't mix under most circumstances. There are legit reasons in this Universe why different types of people fear each other and consider those outside of their tribe annoying at best, and dangerous at worst. And I hope that message is not what's going on because real racism is an artificial construct with no factual basis in reality. It is such a huge problem in society and probably the root of all of our current problems. We could fix a lot of problems in the world if we elected people willing to fix those problems. Because racism exists, we can never seem to get those people elected, or at least enough of them to help solve the problems at hand. The allegory of the film is questionable because for this Universe, racists are right on some level. I don't entirely approve of an allegory that ever gives bigots that much. Even set in a fictional fantasy universe.

What's interesting about the racial allegories to me is Wade's family is portrayed as especially kind and tolerant to Ember. And they say and do a few racist things well-meaning people who want to be allies do in our Universe. Like having little kids underfoot who embarrassingly say racist things (and in this case try and see if Ember is easy to kill). Or the dad telling her she's very articulate. Part of the reason I'm leery about the racial allegories being raised is because it really does sound credible in the reactions. It's the subtext that's the problem, not the actual portrayal.

Cars was SO hard for me to justify in my mind because there is no way that world should have evolved the way it did without people with hands and opposable thumbs. I question Nature's Grand Design for the world of Elemental City too. But because the characters have hands and can pick things up, it could work on paper in real-life, if not in practice.

If Ember and her dad did not do the bowing thing at the end of the movie I would have thought a lot less of it. I was almost relieved it was called back. It was totally necessary. The narrative demanded it.

Ember is still kind of a hard character to like sometimes. All of the problems in the first half of the film were entirely of her own making. But she's getting there and a work in progress.

It's a movie without a specific villain that still explores right and wrong, and gives one food for ethical thought. I don't approve of the way Pixar creates its stories. But sometimes it works out for the best. This is one of the better high-concept executions. Not because I believe the reality of the world. But I believe the reality of the people in the world. And that's always been more important to me. ****.




Dug Days: Carl's Date

Why the hell was that not dedicated to Ed Asner? It was the perfect swan song for Carl. It wasn't INTENDED to be the last Dug Days, but it was such a great place to leave things I see why they saved it for the theater. The lack of a dedication card is a very big hole in the episode.

I also liked getting a bit of wrap-up with Alpha and hearing what happened to Muncie's other dogs.

Carl saying Ellie was still his girl to the photo sort of gets me choked up. Again, this was absolutely the right ending.

Dug rolling around floor because he hated the cologne was hilarious. I don't find Dug as adorable and hilarious as everyone else does. But he still IS both of those things at times.

I see why they saved this for the theater. I am just angry Asner didn't get his due. ****1/2.




Buffy The Vampire Slayer "Buffy Vs Dracula"

This is a widely reviled episode among the fanbase, but I remembered two things about it: It wasn't especially offensive, and it sort of went for a lighter tone in a point in the series where it rarely did that. I told myself rewatching it, that I would be pretty open-minded, even if I didn't like it before now.

I wish I could report the episode is better than fans claim. About the best I can do is it's not especially worse compared to other episodes that have NOT raised a level of fuss or disgust among fans. Yeah, it's mediocre. In hindsight, it's not especially so, at least not compared to the rest of the series.

While there are individual elements that are really interesting, I do want to point out I disliked Spike's scene. I weirdly suspect that's the one part of the episode fans like, but there are two things about it I hate.

Remember the show Smallville? We loved Lex Luthor and his evil father Lionel on that show, and thought they were actually pretty good bad guys and master manipulators. At one point the producers decided to hook up Lex and Lana Lang, to create a love triangle with Clark Kent. When they did that, they decided to make Lana "worthy" of dating Lex by having her do ridiculously obviously shady things, and for Lex to compliment her on her deviousness and worthiness to the Luthor name.

Once the producers had Lex respect a widely reviled punchline of a character as Lana Lang for her supposed "Edge", all of a sudden Lex is the lamest villain ever, as is Lionel, and they never, EVER stopped being that. Spike did not suffer that particular fate from this single episode, but when he's flicking the cigarette and sniffing that he and Dracula are old rivals, I think much less of Spike ever considering this (as he referred to him) ponce as a threat of any kind.

The second thing that pissed me of is something Joss Whedon needs an intervention over. Marti Noxon wrote the episode so she deserves the lion's share of the blame for it, but if you told me Whedon himself wrote the line I'd instantly believe it.

Joss Whedon is infatuated with British idioms. He has Spike use them when he doesn't need to, and like in this case, he has Spike use the words incorrectly. Spike tells Riley to go back and have a nice safe snog. What does Whedon actually think the word snog means? It literally means "kiss". Have you ever heard anyone ever advise somebody in over their head to go home and have themselves a nice safe kiss? Of course not. It's ridiculous. Part of me is mad that Anthony Stewart Head never had that intervention with Whedon, and told him he was embarrassing himself. But maybe part of me likes to think that during the hiatus when he was back in England Head would laugh with his pub buddies, "He actually had the character advise a nice safe kiss! What a wanker!" with tears streaming down his face while they roared in laughter. I am aware that probably didn't happen. But the only way I can ever live with crap this dumb is by telling myself it did.

I'll tell you what I liked about Spike's scene. Him angrily complaining that that fame-hound did more damage to vampires than any Slayer ever did. Once his story got out, suddenly everybody knew how to kill them. That is a VERY clever and observant idea for the writers to have Spike grouse about. Using a famous public domain character created by somebody else, based on a real person, it is a VERY interesting idea to explore the pros and cons that fame has cost other vampires. And frankly, I don't see any pros. When Spike puts it like that, I agree Drac is bad for Vampkind.

Dracula's monologue recalls "Restless", another bit of foreshadowing that doesn't impress me at all about "Restless" in hindsight.

Joyce telling Willow and Tara she is just about ready to give up on men altogether, and they give each other a knowing smirk is the show at its hackneyed worst. How was crap like that ever tolerated by viewers? And how was a show where crap like that happened somehow beloved?

Dracula doesn't actually die at the end of the episode, and it's suggested Buffy can't kill him. But clearly since she's now out of his thrall, he might as well move on.

An interesting clue about Dawn is Joyce earlier in the episode talks about the lonely house Buffy is leaving her to. If Buffy having a sister is something the show is gonna retcon to the audience, the producers wanted to sort of establish the retcon itself occurred later in the episode and most of the rest of it occurred with everybody's original memories. Cool clue there. Won't deny that.

I wish I could say fandom was wrong about that sucking. About the best I can say is that fandom praises a LOT of episodes of the series exactly that underwhelming, so it's not actually terrible in comparison. **1/2.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "Real Me"

Well, I remembered that worse than it was.

The thing that drove me nuts in hindsight that I was SURE I was gonna rip the episode a second anus over was Dawn's monologue to her diary at the end about how Buffy and her friends have no idea who she really is. The thinking before I rewatched it is that since Dawn is both benign and unaware of her origins, setting up her saying such a sneaky line goes beyond not playing fair with the audience. It's writing the characters saying and doing things they shouldn't to get a misleading audience reaction. It's a cheat, is the problem. My objection in my memory of the event was overstated. Because while Dawn's lines ARE as cringe as I remember, the episode does NOT set up a dramatic music cue or camera angle to play up the sinisterness of the moment. The ambiguous touch with the direction doesn't make me forgive it or make me believe it plays fair. But it crosses the line back from unfair to merely misleading. I don't love it for that, but I don't hate the episode for it either.

One of the treats of a new season is the new main titles every year. Besides new cast member Michelle Trachtenberg (credited as such for the first time here) Emma Caulfield as Anya has also been made a series regular. If you ask me, I think there are probably too many series regulars at this point. Theme song feels a little overcrowded. But look! The Gentlemen!

I don't know if anyone has ever praised this next bit, but considering the amount of college dissertations the show has inspired, I'd be shocked if I'm the first person to ever bring it up. But I know that this is the first time I'M bringing it up. I love that Tara asks Dawn if she wants to thumb-wrestle. We later see that Dawn feels sort of a maternal connection to Tara. And damn it, because of that, she should. It's like Tara is sort of a character the writers both don't know what to do with, and that Amber Benson seems unsure of too. The thumb-wrestling thing is something a responsible adult would do in that scenario. At least a good adult. If a family is shipwrecked or in a sustained life-threatening crisis, good parents will play games with the traumatized kids to distract them from the horror they are currently facing. Thumb-wrestling is genius because Tara does not need a decks of cards, or pen and paper to play it. She just needs a thumb, and Dawn's mind suddenly is elsewhere from the murder she just walked in on. And again, if I'm the first person praising this, I'll be shocked. But it's the first time I'VE praised it for sure.

The Creepy homeless guy talking about curds and whey seems to be a direct callback to Faith's dream about setting up a bed for "Little Miss Muffet" in Season Four. No, it doesn't make that set-up make a lick of sense. But it definitely exists as a callback to that.

Xander making fun of Harmony's Minion Brad is golden. "Screw you, Harris." Suddenly, they are all back in high school. I love that. I also love Buffy telling Harmony when she tried out for cheerleading, she was bad, and when she was put on the homecoming committee, she was REALLY bad, but when she tries to be bad, she sucks.

Say what you will about Mort. He is absolutely right they no longer needed Dawn alive for the plan to "work". I mean Buffy would have killed them all anyways. But she also still would have come because she wouldn't have known Dawn was already dead. Harmony was a little too wedded to a nonsensical plan to see her Minions slipping through her fingers over it.

Buffy claiming the owners of the magic shop have the same life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer is why Buffy The Vampire Slayer was really the first show EVER with great pop culture references.

Dawn's diary entry about asking her mom if she can do the things Willow and Tara do on their own is not merely appalling. It's obvious, unfunny, and cliche. It's the kind of dumb joke that makes the show seem worse than it actually is. Again, how did we put up with that?

On the one hand, it's not good. On the other hand, I misremembered it being terrible, and it's not that either. **1/2.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "The Replacement"

That ending is surprisingly heartbreaking. I almost forgot what the rest of the goofy episode was about.

The thing that kills me about Riley saying that is that all throughout the episode I'm getting the sense he's trying too hard. And while I don't think it's Buffy's job to validate all his hang-ups, the truth is when they are in the car and he says he's in love with every part of her, she needed to say it back. I didn't actually agree with Riley that Buffy doesn't love him (although I later changed my mind). But what else is he supposed to think after he put his heart out on his sleeve like that and she essentially shrugged? She definitely takes him for granted.

Toth's make-up is great. He not only has glow-in-the-dark eyes, he amazingly somehow has glow-in-the-dark teeth.

Gilda isn't dead or unconscious. Hooray for him.

Plothole: When Xander plays the message on the machine it doesn't replay the entire message we heard the other him leave from the beginning. It starts at the relevant info. Um, producers? That's not how answering machines work. You DO know that, right? Or do you think WE don't?

The premise is so Nicholas Brendon could interact with his twin brother on-camera. My biggest complaint and concern is that if they are BOTH Xander, they are having the Xander we suspect is a fake say and do things Xander should not say and do. Like barely recognize his name when somebody calls him Harris at the worksite. Or him supposedly not remembering how long he's been on the crew. Or worst of all, telling Anya he thinks he could understand why it is like to suddenly be human. This is bad writing. And it's bad writing on a level the show didn't use to engage in, or at least not at this level and frequency. And I promise in every single one of these upcoming reviews, every time the show tries to "mislead" the audience away from a mystery's solution by cheating, I will point out every damn instance. That is my vow. And knowing that, I think we are all going to see how badly the show does there in my upcoming reviews. I suspect it's going to be constant. I would love to be wrong, but I don't think I will be.

Everybody's embarrassed about Anya's sex thing at the end, but honestly, yeah, that's the question she should be asking. The problem is the Xanders didn't sound too into it. But her being into it is actually normal for a significant other in that bizarre scenario. I can totally picture the want there. I just see how the doubles in question wouldn't be into it. But if Anya didn't broach the subject, she's odd. But truthfully, it's her bringing it up in front of everybody else that's the no-no. The desire itself is understandable. Letting everybody else know it is not.

The ending stomped on my poor heart. Marc Blucas and Nicholas Brendan played the hell out of it. ***1/2.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "Out Of My Mind"

That was one of the most shocking endings the show ever delivered. What I love about it, and what sets it apart for most of the other shock endings on the show is it's a good shock. It fills the viewer with evil joy. It promises good things in the future. Granted the show later botched the Spuffy ship is ways I never could have imagined at the time, but this was a perfect kick-off and I think Season 5 was the one season that did it right.

Graham saying Riley used to have a mission and was now mission's girlfriend is so brutal and awful because it's right. It gets under Riley's skin for that reason.

I promised to point out unfair clues to mysteries. Joyce demanding to know who Dawn is before she passes out and Dawn frantically calling 911 is perfect because it gives genuine insight into what is going on without ever misleading or cheating the viewer. Good job for the show there.

Buffy saying Riley knows more of her than anyone else was a necessary thing for her to say. And yet when he tells her he loves her she still foolishly doesn't say it back. I didn't even think that it's that she doesn't love him (although I later thought differently). It just doesn't occur to her he needs to hear it.

Do you know what I took a special notice of in the episode when it first aired? James Marsters is unusually ripped for a guy in this era. Not only for a guy in his 40's, but truthfully few actors back then actually bothered getting that muscled-toned. David Boreanaz never did. Nowadays for male genre heroes, six-pack abs are considered a necessary part of the package. For Marsters being bit ripped, and probably smooth-chested due to manscaping, was the first time I really saw something like that. He's ripped in an attractive way, rather than the bodybuilder way Ah-nold was in the 1980's. And as TV went on it become super common. But this was the first time I saw a guy both that ripped and that smooth.

I guess Marc Blucas is too sort of, but that never visually shocked me the way Marsters' abs did.

Harmony and the doctor were a scream. My favorite bit is she's smoking as he's performing the surgery. She has a crossbow at his head and he says she's not supposed to smoke. And she defiantly says "Oh, yeah? Says who?" And he points to the "No smoking" sign. And she's horrified and apologetic and says, "Oh God! Sorry! I didn't see the sign!" I love what that says about vampires, or at least vampires who haven't been vampires for too long. The human social niceties and rules society decides it must abide are still that deeply ingrained in newb vamps. It's not just that Harmony is stupid (although that is the implication). No the murderous, completely evil demon still has those rules ingrained into her psyche because part of her is still human. And I love it when the show explores things like that, without rubbing in your face that's what it's doing. People who don't take the show too seriously think Harmony is just dumb. Me, I think Harmony is just too trained and too human.

Buffy telling Riley if she wanted a superpowered boyfriend she'd be dating Spike sure is extra ironic in hindsight.

It's an interesting narrative choice to introduce Ben before Glory. I like it.

I like this episode a lot. I both feel bad for Riley and feel like he's demanding a LOT emotionally from Buffy. But one of those demands seems to be that he wishes she'd tell him she loves him. As far as that goes, that specific thing is not unreasonable. ****.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "No Place Like Home"

We'll talk mysteries again here. The Glory stuff? Perfect. Granted, Clare Kramer was a bit polarizing in the role, but her smashing through the wall and entering in that red dress Made A Freaking Impression. Right off the bat. And she sneaking up on Buffy with her hands out like claws is a scream. Best of all, none of her weird behavior with the Monk she's torturing, (or Buffy) contradicts her role in the season. In fact her expressing shock Buffy hits her is the first definite hint she's a God.

The Dawn stuff? Sloppy as hell, and the series should be ashamed of its poor writing there. At that stage of the season, the writers wanted both Buffy and the audience to distrust the character, so they wrote a scene of her acting creepy with Joyce FOR NO DAMN REASON, and had her ask Buffy if she thinks she cares she's the Slayer FOR NO DAMN REASON. Sloppy, badly written dreck is sloppy and badly written.

All that being said, Buffy's scene with the dying Monk is beautifully played by both actors. Buffy actually wants him to change her memories back, but the Monk is weirdly more empathetic to Dawn's innocence than she is, and Dawn's need to be protected than Buffy currently is herself. The Monk's goodness and empathy shine through in that moment, especially in contrast with the Knights of Byzantium we meet later on. Both actors brought the dramatic goods here.

It's funny Buffy and Giles stare at each other in the empty store silently, and he puts away the hat and cloak. But does Buffy REALLY need to be that big of a buzzkill? I thought it was charming. She never lets Giles have or enjoy anything.

I'm gonna call plothole b.s. on something. Is the series really trying to convince me acquiring newt eyes is more expensive than salamander eyes? Are we supposed to believe newts are both rarer and harder to catch? I know the scene was done to give the magic shop catalog its own "insider baseball" feel, but that doesn't actually seem remotely credible to me.

Anya is going to be very good at her new job. I see her value there immediately.

Spike's scene is interesting. His counting off five words on his fingers was great, especially the punctuation he uses on the last (the b-word). It weird Buffy doesn't really register a deeper meaning to the pile of cigarettes. Also need to note that although this is not portrayed as a watershed moment for Buffy herself, it stands out because it is one of the only two moments in the canon where she calls him William. It's sarcastic here, where it's sincere the second time, but Buffyphiles have noted she only did it twice, and once was as a joke in this episode.

I would probably give that a solid four stars if the Dawn stuff wasn't so badly written, and the writers trying to trick and worry the viewer about bullcrap that isn't an actual worry. I was going give it 3 and a half stars anyways but writing that last sentence down makes me believe it only deserves 3. ***.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "Family"

The Tara and Willow stuff feels a little overwritten and cliche, and makes me cringe a little in hindsight. Really, Joss Whedon scripts are not usually as strong and flawless as he is given credit for.

Shocked to realize Cousin Beth is played by Amy Adams.

I will say this about Joss. The Ben / Glory stuff in the locker-room was fair. Misleading and making the mystery hard to guess? Yes. An unfair cheat? No. That's how that stuff SHOULD work, and simply hasn't been for most of this season.

I like Spike amending that he didn't care what happened to Tara.

I liked Buffy describing Glory as kind of like Cordelia. Heh. She totally is.

Also enjoyed the bit where Riley tells Sandy he doesn't go out with vampires. She gives him a very pissed-off look at that that is quite funny.

Honestly Buffy declaring Tara part of their family is nice on paper. My problem is neither she nor Xander are acting like that throughout the rest of the episode. In fact, when the deception is first uncovered Buffy seems far angrier at it than is probably warranted. Yeah, I get Dawn was put in danger, but it's clear Tara was a mess over it and didn't need to hear, "She almost got us killed!" out-loud. I don't like the fact that when Buffy tells Mr. Maclay he can take Tara, the second part of her sentence where she says he'll have to go through her first though is not actually a given. Whedon thinks it's a nice surprise. I think something specifically like that should never be in question. I should never be wondering if Buffy Summer actually is cool with Tara being sent back to her abusive family against her will. And the thing is, this is actually common for dramatic writers. Whedon isn't the first guy to do something like that, and he won't be the last. I'm arguing that it's unacceptable. I seem to be raging into the wind about that type of stuff though, so don't be surprised if I'm the only person you hear complaining about stuff like that.

Underwhelming, especially considering Whedon wrote and directed it. **1/2.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "Fool For Love"

I haven't seen this episode in over a decade, and I liked it back in the day, but if you had told me that during this watchthrough of the series I'd find it one of the very best produced so far, I would still be surprised. Maybe the reason I love it has less to do with what the episode got right, and how little it got wrong. For this rewatch, Buffy: The Series annoys the crap out of me. Routinely, and almost every episode. The fact that I wasn't annoyed by this at all, and was able to suspend my disbelief and be riveted by Spike's tale and Buffy's horror at it is unusual for this show, as least during this go-round. And I noticed that fact.

There is of course something wrong with it, but it's actually not a problem in the episode itself. I think the Spuffy ship was the most ill-advised thing on the series. Season 5 handled it well because they kept it unrequited, and this episode is a perfect demonstration of them needling that thread perfectly. But when Buffy shoves Spike to the ground, tosses dollar bills at him, says he's beneath her, (calling back his greatest humiliation with the woman he loved when he was alive), and we see him picking the bills up off himself and the ground as he blubbers in shame? THAT'S why the ship should never have been consummated, and why it never should have gotten as far as it did. It's perfectly fine and something I find weirdly and surprisingly touching when in the last scene Spike realizes Buffy has been crying, asks her what's wrong, and sits down next to her and pats her on the shoulder and comforts her. As far as the ship goes, that is perfectly all right. It's only during Marti Noxon's tenure of showrunner next year do things go so disgustingly off the rails.

The flashback don't just give the episode and its following crossover with Angel an epic, global feel (check out that slow-mo "Power Walk" they used in the WB promos) but I noticed how carefully the timelines match up. While in his first appearance on the series Spike claims ANGEL sired him, I believe that was either later retconned or simply ignored. Making it DRU turning him into a vampire instead is right. Maybe Spike was referring to Angelus as "sire" as shorthand for him being his "grandsire".

The idea that he stole Nikki Wood's jacket off her dead body as a trophy for killing her is gruesome and horrifying enough. The REALLY bad thing is HE'S STILL WEARING IT TO THIS DAY AND IN THE PRESENT-DAY SCENES WITH BUFFY! Can you understand why the girl is squeamish and appalled by that?

I feel like Season Four was not cinematic enough, "Hush" and "Restless" excepted. The subway going through the tunnel, then the lights blacking out, and suddenly Spike being on top of Nikki when the lights come back is a classic horror movie moment. I remember watching Season Four and thinking, "Man, I seem to recall this show being shot and boarded like an actual movie" more often than it was. I'm guessing Season Four was simply an off year.

Buffy thinking Giles intended to say "unseemly" when he did instead of "painful" is one of the reasons I think Buffy treats Giles unusually badly. And Buffy Summers is a character who takes all of her friends and loved ones for granted. But that right there says she's especially uncool to Giles.

Speaking of the timelines of the flashbacks, the following Angel episode correctly reminds us that of the time of the Boxer Rebellion, Angel already was cursed with his soul for the first time. It was a VERY recent development, and he's still trying to fit in with his old vampire clan, but despite his words, he's not into it anymore, and the timeline is correct there. And it plays in this episode as well before being spelled out explicitly in the following Angel crossover later that night. Excellent synergy between the two shows.

The stuff with William the Bloody-Awful poet is the series at is best. It being shown immediately after Spike coolly says, "What can I say, baby? I've always been bad..." is why the show had value and was as unpredictable as it was. Its existence also suggests the written lore Giles relates for why he is called "Spike" in his first episode was wrong, and probably misinformation spread by Spike himself. Spike's name was probably a legend he himself cultivated. After seeing this, and Spike later insisting Angelus call him that, I think Spike started those bogus rumors himself. And they took off from there. And the fact that he's killed two Slayers means everyone just believed them and never felt the need to fact-check them.

I love that when Drusilla bites him he repeatedly, loudly, and totally uncoolly says "OW!". I'm tired of this show always acting like that specific thing wouldn't hurt like hell, and all vampire victims being wide-eyed and silent as they are killed. That's probably usually down to a censor note actually, and they probably got away with it here not just because it's Spike and he's not really dead, but also because it's being played for laughs. But it's a laugh I appreciated and found a bit overdue.

Spike's "effulgent" poem here is not as bad as his bullies in the episode say it is. Angel later reveals to Spike in the final season of his show he always liked his poetry, and that specific poem won Spike a poetry slam in that series' finale. Really, it's actually kind of clever. I wouldn't go so far as to call it especially moving. But it still works, you know? It's got a good rhythm the beatniks can snap their fingers to, you dig? I think the problem was always that it was ahead of its time.

It has been stated more than once that the vampire takes on the personality traits of their victim. William here not only raises questions about Spike, and later on ensouled Spike, but puts Angelus in a bit of a different context too. Interesting food for thought here.

I think the most heartbreaking moment of the episode is also the cruelest. When Spike tells the Slayer in the Boxer Rebellion he doesn't speak Chinese as she's dying and crying out for her mother I am devastated. I mentioned I have no bad notes about the episode. I guess I'm wrong. I found that a bit too much. It's TOO horrible and unforgivable.

The series is great at doing callbacks to earlier moments that mean things to the audience they don't the characters. But Spike saying, "Here endeth the lesson" is significant being it is a Master line, whether Spike knows it when he says it or not. Been a bit since I saw Season One too. I'm not even sure the Master ever said that in front of BUFFY either, so maybe even SHE didn't recognize that context.

I love that the Chaos Demon IS in fact all slime and antlers. Seriously, Dru? What are you thinking? I know she's nuts, but still. Also calling b.s. that she knew Spike was already in love with Buffy. That specific thing fits later, but not during Season 2.

It is hinted later on in Season 6 that Cecily here eventually turned into the Vengeance demon Halfrek. There is a story I wish we had gotten to but somehow never did. Halli recognizing Spike in Season 6 and saying "William!" in surprise while he looks sheepish is as far as that mystery went. I want the deets we'll never get.

Shockingly, one of the best episodes of the series so far. Didn't predict that ahead of time. *****.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "Shadow"

I was very curious to see this in 2023. I have offered a very unusual opinion during most of my negative reviews for modern stuff and I was curious if this specific episode would back me up or not.

I have opined elsewhere that the fact that superhero shows and genre in general always trying to make the visual effects, costumes, and sets "real-world" believable is counterproductive as long as the majority of those projects engage in shoddy, cliched, and poor writing and dialogue. My bold opinion was I'd take a series with crappy fake-looking effects that had a decent script and acting, over a hugely budgeted but typically braindead episode of the CW's The Flash. And I remember this episode because, while Buffy is a show KNOWN for its visual effects being shoddy, this was widely considered one of its worst examples of that, especially for a later season. There is nothing about the snake monster than is credible or remotely believable.

Buffy's pain though? I believe it. Her stupidity around Riley is due to an actual character flaw instead of a plot contrivance. It feels very real. So yeah, I will take a crappy unbelievable monster in exchange for great human pathos. Genre having it bassackwards there is why so much of it is currently terrible.

Speaking of Buffy's stupidity, we will get into how annoyed I am that they made Riley's thrill-seeking behavior almost seem justified in his final episode. What I will say is whether it is or not, the truth is Buffy doesn't appreciate him. She wants him there when she needs him and gone when she doesn't. He's not her boyfriend. He's her whore. And maybe him letting himself be fed on is because that's what he's coming to believe he's all he's good for. And damn it, I HATE that nuance, and that I am forced to give it to him. I want to rage against him, and for Buffy to dump his loser ass for it. The fact that even after that I'm on his side instead of hers speaks extremely poorly of Buffy.

I'm not alone here, by the way. I find it interesting and endearing when Xander sort of tells off Riley here. Because he's doing it because he actually approves of him for Buffy. He is the first male ship for Buffy he actually wants to see succeed. He isn't threatened by Riley for the first time ever, because he thinks he's a better match for her than he is. Which is a nice progression. Anya has been good for the dude for many reasons. That's one of the biggest.

Both Spike and Dawn sort of pile on there. Spike is being deliberately upsetting (it's inexcusable Spike knows Joyce is in the hospital and Riley doesn't, by the way) but Dawn saying Riley has been really good for Buffy stings too. What are YOU getting out of this, Riley? Aside from being made to seem bland and nonthreatening by Buffy and her friends every waking moment of the day?

Giles looks like the dumbass of the year for selling that stuff to Glory. I love that's how Anya and the other characters treat him as. Because he is.

Kevin Weisman from "Alias" and "Runaways" plays Glory's minion Dreg. He's pretty funny here.

I must call malarkey on something. HUGE plothole. Glory being impatient? Not remotely believable. I get she's currently erratic, but she's millions of years old and has been around since the dawn of time. A few days of waiting should not upset her any. That bit is not remotely credible. They are trying to give her impatience a childlike pettiness without understanding that a being that old shouldn't ever have that specific character flaw.

It's official. Fake visual effects don't bother me. Fake characters do. ***.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "Listening To Fear"

Another bad VFX creature shlockfest, but the truth is this episode is way better than its reputation suggests. It does something VERY wrong at the end it never should have done, but I am a little surprised at how well the rest of it emotionally resonates.

As far as exploring grief goes, "The Body" has gotten unending and deserved praise for tackling that subject. I find aspects of this episode equally powerful and truthful to the subject. Buffy washing the dishes to peppy salsa music as she breaks down in tears? That is A Real Damn Moment. Do you know how rare real moments are on television? Man, this season is kind of delivering more of them than I'm strictly speaking used to. It's kind of amazing.

The stuff with Glory and Ben raises the right questions, and is clever for not tipping itself off just yet. Well played.

I guess my bad note (other than the crappiness of the alien creature itself) is a spent and sort of out-of-it Joyce telling Buffy that Dawn is precious to the world the way Buffy is it her, and making Buffy promise to love Dawn the way Joyce loves Buffy. This is a very bad Narrative mistake. Done by the writers believing they are strengthening Buffy and Joyce's bond by saying she's the favorite and Joyce doesn't actually love Dawn. But Joyce is dying in a few episodes. I don't find the moment touching or moving, I find it appalling and offensive. And maybe they could have walked it back if Joyce was gonna survive. Since she wasn't it feels like an incredibly unpleasant place to leave a character I otherwise love and treasure. That's not only not fair to Dawn or the Buffy. It's not fair to how I will remember Joyce. Brain tumor or not, that is not a forgivable thing to say.

It's weird, that always bugged me, but I'm betting if I dredged up my old DVD reviews of the fifth season I never bothered mentioning it because I always gave the series the hugest benefit of the doubt on practically every level. Now that my eyes are wide open, it's the FIRST thing I notice in this otherwise good episode.

I did like the realities of the stuff at the hospital, and Buffy explaining Joyce's condition to Dawn. Joyce can't drop f-bombs on network television, but the statement about being in bed with the thing gets across the idea that people with brain tumors often say completely inappropriate and disturbing things. I also thought the doctor detailing Buffy's routine she's need to keep up with when she took Joyce home very realistic too.

Ultimately, because of the drama, the episode is better than its reputation suggests. But because it goes so far as to have Joyce state she doesn't love Dawn, it's also not an episode I can fully recommend either. ***1/2.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "Into The Woods"

I remembered hating this episode, and knew I would this time out too. What I did not predict is that there are a couple of things in the episode I REALLY like. We'll get to 'em soon, but the elephant in the room is Riley and Buffy's painfully overwrought fight.

Sarah Michelle Gellar is usually a gift in the role of Buffy Summers, but every so often she does a line reading so melodramatic I wish somebody else had been cast in the role. Those moments are few and fleeting, but when she's talking about "his whores" I wished somebody else played the character. And frankly as far as Marti Noxon goes, I wished somebody else WROTE the character too. That was the worst.

What I cannot abide or stand is that the show takes Riley's side of the fight. I understand why Xander did (one of the two things I liked actually) but I think based on what Riley was saying and Buffy was projecting, the viewer was on Riley's side the entire time anyways. And we shouldn't have been. That's not just wrong. That's antifeminist. The truth is the only reason Riley has the high ground is because the show has been going out of its way to show Buffy say and do the most hurtful things to the guy possible without ever considering how crappy she's making him feel. Xander's frame is that she's acting like he's convenient in being there and gone when she wants him to be either. My theory of the same thing being that of a whore instead feels more accurate to me, but Xander is actually Buffy's friend and has better reasons to be kinder to her than I do.

Damn it, it's sickening Xander is right. Why WOULDN'T she beg him to stay? Why wouldn't she answer his ultimatum that way? Damn, that toxic crap should NEVER be okay for a guy to do immediately after her hurts his girlfriend in the way Riley just did Buffy. But damn it, enough's enough.

I took notice when Buffy runs away from Spike after the reveal, she doesn't punch him. She would have before this episode. Spike tells Riley he doesn't believe he has a shot. But the truth is Buffy not smacking him around for that felt almost like a bit of a turning point.

The worst thing about Xander correctly calling Buffy on her crap? It's the poster boy for toxic masculinity arguing to the strong female lead on the side of it... and crazily being right! I'm sorry, it's both kind of awesome and completely messed up at the exact same time.

The other thing I loved was Spike and Riley's scene together. The plastic woodgrain moment was funny ("Hey!") but I was shocked at how watchable things got when they start commiserating over their love for Buffy and wondering which one of them got the better deal. Spike decides it's Riley after talking it through, even though he's probably right Buffy doesn't love him. And Spike isn't right about much, but I think he's right about that. Them sharing a drink over their sorry lots in life was a very good place to leave both characters.

For the record, I have decided Buffy didn't love Riley. But... But... The notable thing is I think she realized Xander was right that she someday COULD love him, scarily so, and that's why she tried to get there in time to stop him. I think Riley is right that Buffy doesn't currently love him or need him. Where he's wrong in thinking is that that would always need to be permanent. Relationships grow and change, and in the cases of romances, often strengthen over time. Just because Riley doesn't feel Buffy is with him now doesn't mean she never will be.

Would have been nice if a character present offered this perspective on behalf of the feminist hero against the toxic ultimatum, wouldn't it have? Marti Noxon has got herself LOTS of problems about crap like that. She is awful on every level.

Anya refers to herself as literal for the first time. Like the fear of bunnies, this is a facet that is brought up again and again, and the mystery of why she speaks as precisely as she does remains a huge mystery even after the series is over. Anya's origin story "Selfless" in Season Seven literally offered ZERO answers about either that or the bunny thing, and just raised extra questions about them both.

I DO hate the episode. I do. But I thought it would actually be much worse than it is. I hate it, but the quality itself is passable. And on some level I find that fact infuriating. ***.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "Triangle"

I expected to like that a lot more than I did. It's Jane Espensen so there is some good. But there is also the totally cringe scene at the beginning of Buffy pondering becoming a nun. Why is fiction this stupid? It truly does not need to be. It chooses to be.

I think Abraham Benrubi delivered one of the best guest starring roles on the series as Olaf the troll. I think Star Trek missed the boat never casting this guy at as a Klingon. Olaf is like the best parts of that. He plays the hell out of him. And he's mad funny.

In the spat I am more on Anya's side than Willow's. Despite Willow's claims to the contrary, I find her as equally rude to Anya as she is to her with the added flaw that she acts like she's superior to her in every way (and never shuts it off).

My favorite two moments are Spike jokes. Him saying he was paralyzed with not caring very much is one of those great one-liners I always remember and try to use myself in everyday conversations. I also love when Olaf asks where there are babies to eat, Spike looks at Xander thoughtfully: "What do you think? The hospital?" And Xander's all, "Shut up."

I know it's played for laughs, but the thing with Spike and the practice mannequin is good reminder that William the Bloody is actually insane.

The stuff with Olaf was golden, and Spike stole the episode too. I just wish the script wasn't filled with the amount of bad writing and cliches it otherwise was. ***1/2.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "Checkpoint"

I was looking forward to seeing this one again too but this one was fortunately exactly as strong as I imagined it being. It's a great premise to bring back the Watchers' Council and have everybody play catch-up. Harris Yulin is one of those old-school actors with gravitas and he lends some much needed respectability to things.

Let me clear up something: I don't agree with Buffy's speech on power, or the stance the show takes about its importance. I think the thing that bothers me is Buffy and the other characters are taking that as a given, when in reality, most viewers watching the show have no real power themselves, and I would guess many of them (me included) don't actually want that power. Buffy, The Series', obsession with the importance of power at this stage of the game makes it very difficult for me to relate to Buffy, the character, or the message of the show. As far as messages and morals go, I don't believe in it. That's a failing.

I always remembered Glory calling Dawn the darlingest thing she ever did see. I thought that was a delightful way to put it, at least as far as a purely evil character goes.

Travers ending the episode saying Glory isn't a demon, but a God might not wind up the best cliffhanger of the entire season. But you know what? It might. It's one of those surprises that hits the viewer so right because it's a good surprise instead of a bad one. My stomach doesn't drop and I squee with evil joy instead.

Buffy throwing the sword at the guy was great, and regardless of whether I agreed with her speech on power of not, it was important for her to take back her authority there. The threat to deport Giles feels like dirty pool. And yet when Giles claims their true power lies in their bureaucracy you actually appreciate how dangerous they are and always were. And what's cool is they are dangerous in a way few other bad guys are. Using the letter of the law to punish their enemies is certainly not how most supervillain organizations operate.

I love that Spike immediately centers on the female Watcher who did her thesis on him. He gives her a big smile at that and she's embarrassed. I love that they meet him at the point of a crossbow with a cross raised as well. Maybe these guys are less effective than we thought.

Spike and Joyce bonding over "Passions" is great and puts paid to Spike's claim after she died that Joyce was the only person among Buffy's circle Spike could stand. And yeah. It's true. And yeah, Joyce treats him like a damn person, which nobody else ever bothers to do.

Buffy trusting Spike to protect them is another turning point for them, I think.

Without a Slayer, they're pretty much just Watchin' Masterpiece Theatre. Great line. I also love Buffy saying that she and Glory had what probably passed in Glory's twisted mind as a civilized conversation. Buffy is right to think Glory is nuts for that.

The Knights of Byzantium wound up major nuisances, but as far as Little Bads of the season go, I never felt they evolved beyond that. I never viewed them as a genuine threat the way I did Glory, or even Ben.

Buffy insisting Giles be rehired is awesome enough, but when he coughs to remind her of years of backpay you really understand how she has the upper hand now.

Solid, solid, solid. ****1/2.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "Blood Ties"

Not bad. The Glory / Ben reveal still works and Dawn's amnesia at the end is evident enough not to need to be further explained.

Spike is also fun as Dawn's conspirator in crime. When he looks at her and says "I guess that means you, niblet," it's a great moment.

I love the fact that he brushes back against Buffy yelling at him. I feel like his saying she should have been honest with Dawn feels like Monday Morning Quarterbacking on his end a bit. But when he suggests she was gonna take off anyways, and he thought she'd be safer if Bad Bad had her back, that's right. It's not happening all at once, but Buffy is starting to shift in how she sees Spike. She still hates him at this point, but she is also starting to strongly consider his advice and take it seriously.

I love that Buffy is angry upon seeing Dawn's open arm with the knife. The truth is, if one were to do that in front of a loved one, their first response would more likely be anger than sympathy. It feels very recognizably real by having Buffy yell "What did did you just do?" instead of instantly cuddling her when she sees she's all right.

Again. Not bad. The series has done better, but the series has also definitely done worse. ***.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "Crush"

I don't like this episode. I've never liked this episode. Spike is portrayed as too pathetic in it. In "Lover's Walk" Spike famously admitted to Buffy and Angel he was love's b-word. Here, he's its victim. And it's painful to watch. I don't dig the ship myself and I don't mind the show pointing out why it doesn't work. But considering the show did a 180 on the topic in the following season I can't even give it points for that.

The thing that is the episode's saving grace is there are a lot of great jokes in it. Let me itemize some of the best bits:

Spike arguing with Xander over how hard he's making him work to steal his money, Drusilla's amused and mocking reaction to Harmony's outright trashiness, Xander laughing upon learning Spike is in love with Buffy, Buffy saying she's serious, and him saying he hopes so because it's funnier if it's true. And while Spike's ultimatum at the end between Drusilla and Buffy is both pathetic and cringe, I did like his initial admission of the truth when she asks him if this is a date. "Do know want it to be?" "Angel was a vampire." Buffy protests he was good and had a soul. Spike argues he has a chip and it's the same thing. Buffy counters it's more like he's a serial killer in prison, and he angrily says women marry them all the time! Harmony's conditions for threesomes are boy / boy / girl, or Charlize Theron.

Considering Joyce is dying in a couple episodes, the fact that she invites Spike in and laughs at his jokes is a good demonstration of why Spike liked her. Her being so worried about the crush and finding Spike dangerous is a bit more of an ambiguous place to leave things there than I'd prefer.

Buffy telling Spike the only chance he had with her was when she was unconscious gets replayed and replayed in future recaps. I would like it more as a Sherman Statement on her end if it were actually true.

Xander being horrified Spike has replaced him as Dawn's crush is actually quite creepy. Creepier than anything Spike says in the episode even.

I don't know. If this were a turning point and Buffy stuck to her guns about Spike's advances the episode would still be cringe, but it would also have integrity. As it stands, it's just cringe. **.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "I Was Made To Love You"

Yes, the ending is a punch in a gut, but it's less an ending to this episode, and more the beginning of the next.

I find the rest of the episode problematic. And I should have guessed Jane Espensen wrote it. It's basically a woman being used and abused by a man in the most degrading fashion possible. That's what Espensen does. You might think the use of a robot for the idea might actually tone things down a bit and sort of distance the audience from the inherently cruelty of Warren. No, Espensen is the kind of writer who instead finds ways to make the fact that it's a robot being sexually degraded seem even MORE painful and humiliating than if she were a regular person. Under a lot of circumstances, this would actually be a valid storytelling choice. But it simply never ends for Espensen, and I'm tired of the fact she is never called on it. Enough already. April literally is not programmed to cry because tears are blackmail, and if Warren cries out to her and she doesn't answer it physically hurts her. Espensen took the fact that she wasn't human and went out of her way to invent new sci-fi ways for this character to be humiliated. And no, Espensen doesn't get a pass there just because she is down-to-Earth and wonderful with her fans in real life. The toxic things she writes are not something to be praised.

The thing I notice most about Joyce this episode is her vitality. It not only makes the ending more shocking, but it's also sort of how I want to remember her. Telling Buffy she left her bra in the restaurant. I love that woman. Truly.

Giles gets a little "Ripper" on Spike in the Magic Shop and it's a pretty badass moment. Too bad Buffy made a liar out of him in the next season.

Speaking of great moments, Warren may suck and so does the episode, but the anticlimactic third act break of "She's a robot," was quite great.

Anya had some good moments too, truth be told. As someone raised in the Lutheran faith it is hysterical that Anya says it took her a LONG time in her 1100-year-old lifetime to get used to us. I notice whenever Lutherans are brought up in popular culture it's usually as punchline, and I'm not quite sure why that is. We don't really have the, lets say... different beliefs of Mormons, or even Scientologists. We're essentially Protestants who do Catholic rituals. That's it. I don't see why that should amuse people so much, but yeah, for some reason people find that weird. I should also point out that I personally find the show itself quite weird, so glass houses, Mutant Enemy. Glass houses.

I also love that Anya point out April speaks shockingly evenly in a too-precise tone of voice. In an even too-precise tone of voice herself. Some guys dig that.

Warren's first appearance is not consistent with his later role in Season 6. Yeah, he does strike me as a bit of an unfeeling sociopath for what he did to April. But he simply does not appear to be built to become the Big Bad he ultimately became. Why? Because the initial role for the secretly crazy and evil leader of the Trio was supposed to go to Tucker, Andrew's brother. I believe Warren's role was planned to be like Andrew's was in Season 6. Kind of a jerk but possibly able to be redeemed. When they couldn't contract Tucker's actor, Andrew was created, given Warren's former role, and Warren's was given Tucker. It is very hard to imagine after Season 6, but if Tucker's actor had come back, likely Warren would have been the one the First Evil tricked into killing Jonathan, and HE would have joined the Scoobies. Can you picture Adam Busch in Tom Lenk's role in Season 7? The harmless goofball? I actually can't after Season 6. Busch played Warren's psychopathy too well there. There is no part of that actor that doesn't make my skin crawl now.

And I don't like that things like that can easily be transferred from character to character like that. It's common for fiction, and hell it's probably something that's happened in my own writing from time to time too, but for this specific role? It grates a bit that Warren was essentially created to be harmless. Especially after what he did to April here.

Spike's "My bleeding sympathies to Warren," was great.

One interesting sidenote about the episode: The role of April was written with Britney Spears in mind. I'm glad she wasn't cast. We as a society are on Spears' side now about her conservatorship, but the truth is Spears had a habit of being ill-behaved on sets at this point of her career. I feel like maybe the Buffy set was toxic enough already. Spears might have added insult to injury there were she cast.

I think the problem is Espensen. She is too invested in showing men hurting women. Maybe she should step back from genre television and make the transition to Lifetime movies of the week where those specific skills would be appreciated. For me, watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Once Upon A Time, Battlestar Galactica, et all, I've had enough of that crap. *1/2.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "The Body"

Reviewing the series with my Eyes Wide Open is not just me seeing bad things I never noticed before or refused to admit. A lot of times it can involve seeing things that I liked back in the day that I realize are amazing in hindsight. And yes, I am gonna go over every inch of that I can. Fair warning: I'm giving that a perfect five star grade on general principle, but you will be very unhappy to learn I will talk about both the episode's faults and some of the story choices I disagreed with.

I think I'll talk about the negatives first and try not to dwell too much on it. Basically when I get to the second half of this review I want it to be clear that despite the following things I am about to rag on, it is clear to me this is still one of the finest episodes of television ever produced.

Let's talk about my problems. Like I said, I'll try not to dwell on 'em, but this specific "Eyes Wide Open" complaint is probably only a factor because of my personal disgust at Joss Whedon and his generally revolting personality. I would not have even taken notice of it had he himself not pointed it out on the DVD commentary years ago. Now, I'm watching the run this time on Hulu, but I never forgot the amount of disdain Joss showed for the character of Kevin in Dawn's art class. Joss, while using that snotty tone you could grow to hate, claimed Kevin says the things to Dawn he does because 14 years olds "think they are deep". He's taking a shot at kids that age. I'll call b.s. on that. He spent the first three seasons of the show PANDERING to kids that age, and especially in the first season had Buffy herself say painful cliches mistaking them for wisdom (such as "Seize the day" in the Pilot). The fact that he's using Kevin as a negative statement about how shallow kids that age are is a giant middle finger to the entire audience he spent years saying he related to. This scene and that commentary says Joss thinks they suck deep down and is not the alienated misfit he presents himself as.

Anya's stuff is good and bad. I thought it was very interesting that Anya is asking about the mechanics of what happens next with the body because nobody ever talks about that stuff. My problem with the scene starts when she starts crying. Emma Caulfield's performance is not remotely convincing, and I will get torches and pitchforks for that statement, but it's something I've believed for over 20 years, and this is literally the first review of the episode I've done where I ever had the courage to admit it. The other problem is the writing in the things she says and her complaints about "mortals". I feel less like Anya is speaking a larger truth of humanity and more that Joss is leaning into her genre gimmick and using it to explore this subject in a rather hamfisted manner. If the scene were better written or performed, maybe I wouldn't have noticed that, but it felt more than a writing exercise than an expression of real grief.

The final complaint is I don't like the ending. Joss' reasoning for it sounds right, but it isn't. The vampire shows up because "life goes on". Just because you think the world's ended for you, doesn't mean it has for everyone else. There is an earlier scene that deals with that notion beautifully. For here, it seems more like it's included because Joss was afraid people would turn against an episode with no supernatural elements. It's supposedly done to show a return to normalcy. For me, it struck me as narrative timidity and being unwilling to stick to the premise's guns being realistic the entire way through.

Another snotty moment on the commentary I remember is Whedon expressing frustration that people thought Dawn reaching out to her mother in the closing shot meant she was going to heal her with her "magical key powers". Part of me shares his frustration there. TV audiences back then often refused to believe what an episode was telling them and would come up with crazy theories that flew in the face of the entire lesson an episode was teaching. This episode about the power and permanence of death is clearly not designed to be bought back the next week. I get Joss's exasperation there.

And yet, in the very next episode Dawn DOES attempt to bring Joyce back, and actually does before the end does the whole Monkey's Paw thing before we can see what fresh horror she's unleashed. And maybe people would have had less stupid thoughts about that ambiguous ending if it weren't ambiguous. Whedon is going for powerful. But the moment doesn't really mean anything, so it's confusing instead. If Whedon wants to complain people ignored what he was trying to say, a better ending would have shut them up.

That's a pretty long list of petty complaints. When I talk about the selling points of the episode, I wanna REALLY talk about 'em.

The first 15 minutes are some of the finest moments of television ever produced. Sarah Michelle Gellar can wow me some weeks and infuriate me others. This is her best performance. Seeing this again makes me realize I don't know Joss Whedon's life story. Did he ever discover one of his parents dead? If you told me no, I'd guess I'd still believe it, but part of me thinks he must have. If not, it would be one of those things that shows that for all his faults, Whedon is scarily insightful in ways audiences took for granted back then.

A friend of mine recently pointed out to me the truly effective "Life goes on" scene is Buffy looking outside at the beautiful sunny day after she's puked, and hearing the kids playing without a care in the world. My friend rightly thought that was amazing and that Gellar's pain is palpable. How DARE the world keep spinning on in this moment? Does it not understand what is happening and how important it is? Gellar plays up the weariness in the scene, but if you think about it, if Buffy had been enraged instead that would have been valid too.

Buffy noticing her mother's dress riding up is entirely real world credible too. I've heard of people dressing their grandfathers in their Sunday Best before calling the ambulance. How the loved one is perceived to outsiders after their death is a definite real worry and concern.

I also love that Buffy is so shell-shocked she thanks the EMT's and wishes them luck as they leave. It makes NO sense for her to do either thing, but it's such a normal human reaction. As well as Buffy rejecting the idea that her mother is a body and not person.

I criticized Anya before, but the moment where she expresses clunky condolences at the end to Buffy works because we now know what she's doing. And also because Buffy is surprisingly gracious. Willow's anger made the scene feel much weirder than it probably needed to be.

I like that XANDER'S reaction is anger, first at Glory, and then the doctors. Xander's defining character trait to me is resentment and rage. The idea that crap just happens and there is nobody he can rant against is almost as an obscene notion to him as Joyce's death itself. And I love the moment Willow puts up her dukes and he says he can't take her.

Willow and Tara is a mixed bag. I feel like the kiss is WAY too passionate for this episode. Obviously Whedon felt some resentment he wasn't allowed it in "Restless". So he tried again here, and the censors relented because the episode is classy instead of as exploitative as the "Restless" scene would have been. But it's a little too much for this episode. Maybe it wouldn't have been if same-sex kisses were as common on television 20 years ago as they are now. But it felt very much like Joss was making a statement, and that specific statement was sort of stepping on this episode's specific statement a bit.

I was not a fan of the act breaks opening with Joyce's body being hauled around with the only sound effects being those of the body bag zippers and the scissors that cut off her clothes.

But I DO love how there is no soundtrack to the episode. Whedon claimed music is a comfort to the audience and not to hear it during upsetting moments makes them more upsetting. What's amazing about him being right is that it flies in the face of all of Hollywood history. You want to make somebody feel the sadness of Casablanca's ending? You need the soundtrack to deliver the goods there. But the lack of music make things like the naked vampire rising up from under the sheet and attacking Dawn way more upsetting than any screeching horror movie music cue ever was.

Like a lot of Buffy episodes, it also feels very cinematic. It's an interesting choice as the EMT delivers the bad news, the POV of the camera doesn't reach his eyes. It give a sense of unreality to things that Buffy refuses to meet his gaze as he tells her the hardest thing she's ever had to hear. Another similar cinematic choice was dubbing over Buffy believing the doctor said he was lying to make her feel better over whatever it is he actually said for real. A lot of cool touches like that in the episode.

Buffy and Tara don't quite make the connection here they do in Season 6. But because of their moment here, I WELCOME their connection in Season 6. I want it and am grateful to have had it then.

I have elsewhere mentioned that an Emmy is a worthless award. Breaking Bad can tout all its wins it wants, but the truth is Breaking Bad would have made the mark it did with or without the Emmys. The Emmys reward obvious, pandering, badly-written stuff like Murphy Brown, Picket Fences, and Ally McBeal. While the fact that what was arguably the greatest hour of dramatic television at that point in history didn't get a nomination for either Joss Whedon or Sarah Michelle Gellar means the award means nothing. I look forward to watching Breaking Bad and I expect I'll love it. But it and Bryan Cranston winning multiple Emmys means nothing while Gellar wasn't even nominated for this, and David E Kelly's annual house of Idiocracy invariably was (and often won).

Do you the irony? I still don't love this episode as much as "Becoming, Part 2" or "The Gift". But it's sure as hell the best-acted episode on Sarah Michelle Gellar's end and it speaks larger truths about death and grief most television wasn't willing to at the time. Yeah. This is some amazing (if imperfect) stuff. *****.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "Forever"

Buffy and Dawn's scene at the end was both wrenching and amazing. Sarah Michelle Gellar and Michelle Trachtenberg brought the goods.

Speaking of which, Spike had a good showing too. His claiming that he liked Joyce, and that she was the only one of the lot of them he could stand tracks. I especially love that he likes that she never treated him like a freak. Xander callously tells him that was her mistake, but Spike's sincerity is proved by the lack of a card on the flowers.

He also wants to help Dawn provided she not tell Buffy. He gets seriously injured in the process and Dawn apologizes for it. He asks her if she got the egg, she says yes, and he asks her what she's sorry for then. Very interesting Spike moment.

I always found Joel Grey creepy as Doc (one of those respected Serious Actors like Harris Yulin or Lindsay Crouse the show would occasionally hire to lend the show gravitas) but he's way more squirrelly than I remembered. The whole thing of confusing Spike for the guy who played dominos makes him off-putting from the start. It's a great performance and the character appears to be great too. Who knew?

Willow's irresponsibility here, and her refusal to be honest with Tara about it is a red flag for her downward spiral in Season 6.

Anya had some good scenes too, including talking to Xander about life after their sex, and telling Dawn she is unthreatened by her helping in the Magic Box.

I get the logic of Angel coming back for this, but the truth is he didn't add anything to the episode. And it's been a good long while since he added anything to this show too.

I'm really digging Dreg, especially him figuring out that the Key is a person from Ben. "An innocent? What an interesting choice of words." And him doing everything to survive Ben's stabbing him to bring the info to Glory. She'll even forgive his subpar toadying since he went so above and beyond there.

I love that Giles is listening to the song he and Joyce made love to in "Band Candy". Great callback.

In case you were still harboring any doubts that Hank Summers is one of the worst fictional fathers on television, Buffy can't get ahold of him and he isn't there for the funeral. I hate every inch of him.

I mentioned that Buffy is a show that manages to be compelling while having bad visual effects. The lousy three headed demon being in an episode with this level of drama, pathos, and acting is further proof that THAT is the thing that makes a work of fiction credible, not supposedly believable effects, sets, and costumes. It's annoying current fiction believes different. They totally forgot how much Buffy resonated with people despite that.

I mentioned in the review for "The Body" the fact that this whole episode involved Dawn trying to resurrect Joyce sort of takes away from the serious message of the previous episode. Whedon is frustrated people thought he was going to buy it back in the next episode. But he actually spent the next episode making the viewer aware that he actually could. Not smart. No wonder people got the wrong idea.

It's all right, but truly the ending with Buffy and Dawn makes up for any of the episode's missteps. ***1/2.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "Intervention"

I talk a lot of smack about Jane Espensen, but this is my favorite of the episodes she wrote. That ending was amazing, and a turning point for both Buffy and Spike. And that kiss in gratitude should have been as far as they took it. But Buffy telling him what he did for Dawn was real and she wouldn't forget it bonded them in a way they hadn't been before.

I thought it was narrative genius that Spike claimed the key was Bob Barker. Man, I recall laughing so much at that back in the day. Him berating Glory until she punches him into the wall is great too. "Lopsided ass". It's funny because it ISN'T true.

Gellar's performance as the Buffybot is SO much fun. And you can tell she's having fun too. It's interesting Tara's reaction is "What are you kidding me? She's nuts!" Because when it happened for real she was the friend who was the most protective and understanding about it.

I love that Giles is miffed Spike didn't bother programming his name right. The hokey-pokey bit was funny too.

I didn't have the problems with the First Slayer I did in "Restless". I think the concept was treated a bit more respectfully.

"Who was whatting how at the huh?" The show can gotten both a lot of praise and more than a little bit of criticism over the childish shorthand ways the characters speak. THAT is one of the Buffyspeak highlights of the entire series.

Dawn being a klepto never went anywhere interesting. Story of this show's life.

I love that Anya is both grateful and delighted the Buffybot asks how the money is.

Let's be real. It will never be an episode to make the Buffyverse Top List. But... But... in a franchise I am increasing becoming jaded with, I'm giving it five stars because there is really nothing of note worth complaining about either. That's not nothing. And the ending is still amazing. *****.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "Tough Love"

I'll tell the you, the best parts of the episode for me are the verbal fights between Tara and Willow and Buffy and Dawn. Tara and Willow seem especially credible in detailing people who don't fight getting into it for the first time. What strikes me is how sympathetic they are with each other to start out with, but each keeps saying a wrong word and can't walk it back properly. I have taken special annoyance at how unrealistic dialogue in pop culture is, and I have in fact given this specific show crap for being overrated in that department. This was solid.

I love that it's not just Buffy's strictness with Dawn being revealed that her guardianship is in jeopardy, but that Buffy extends that cold authority to Willow too, and draws the line there and refuses to budge from it. And honestly, I found Willow not even understanding the subtext that Buffy was under the microscope with the State obnoxious. Tara says several dumb things in their fight, but I was on Tara's side the entire time because she was defending Buffy. And no, Willow really can't understand or know how important it is to keep Dawn grounded.

Spike's role in this part of the season is interesting. He's sort of got an advisory role to Buffy similar to Giles. I actually think it's probably the coolest portion of their ship, and I hate that it's so relatively brief. But she takes his advice extremely seriously here. And I love that.

And just to show that the situation with Spike is not black and white, Dawn feels guilt over his injuries and he DOES try to comfort her. If you ask me, the show giving Spike these moments of empathy is a mistake in the long run, but before the mess that was season six, they seemed nice at the time.

I love that Giles knows the Minion is behind the door and slams it into his face without even looking. Giles is a badass.

First appearance of Proto-Dark Willow. Tara is not wrong to find her frightening. And yeah, she's the first of the Scoobies to actually hurt Glory. She is perhaps their biggest current gun, maybe even bigger than Buffy. It's a Big Moment.

Solid, man. Few complaints. ****.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "Spiral"

I've always liked this episode, but it does feel like it bit off a little more than it could chew. Don't get me wrong. The fact that this show had a tiny budget and was STILL this ambitious is actually a good thing. But it also makes it a little less epic than it should be.

This is Buffy's version of Game Of Thrones. And the thing I notice is that despite the battle scenes being worse, they aren't THAT much worse. Maybe I can be grateful for that fact instead of underwhelmed.

Speaking of "whelmed", Buffy did that joke here WAY before Young Justice did. I am tired of Greg Weisman getting props for how hilarious it is. Buffy did it first here which is something I did NOT know before rewatching this. It pisses me off realizing that in hindsight. I don't object to supposedly "stolen" comedy bits as much as some writers do. I believe once a joke is out there, it more or less belongs to the world. Variations on it don't bother me. The thing is, the "whelmed" thing IS Young Justice's most famous joke, and arguably the dialogue it is best known for. It pisses me off realizing it was stolen. Especially because Weisman never copped to it and instead allowed the show to be tied to it anyways.

I love that Giles and Xander are mad Spike is driving the bus, but Buffy pretty much lays down the law and insists his inclusion in non-negotiable. They do not quite get how strong their connection is yet. I don't think the audience even understood it then.

Anya calls running away a sensible plan is because Anya is actually sensible. Well, maybe not in suggesting dropping a piano on Glory's head. But in her cartoon knowledge defense, the frying pan works later on.

I actually agree with Anya that Bugs Bunny is creepy. But she is the first person in world history to refer to Elmer Fudd as the nice bald man with the speech impediment. It's not like Bugs Bunny isn't a total ass to him. But Anya not understanding he actually deserves it says she's kinda dim.

The General's backstory of the Beast and the Key is riveting, and shows something I've always believed. You can get a whole lot of interesting backstory out via a riveting conversation or narrative passage. It's the fact that most fiction fears both things which is why it's rare. And in fairness to that fear, if it's handled incorrectly it WILL be boring. You get a guy like Wade Williams to explain it all in that gravelly voice of his, and that deep, spooky stare that penetrates your damn soul, I cherish and visualize every word he says. It's not that dialogue and narration is a bad thing for infodumps. It's that very few people understand HOW to make them interesting to begin with.

It should be noted Buffy and her friends killed ten humans in this episode. Deliberately. Which is something they all looked down on Faith for doing to one accidentally back in season 3. As Xander notes, this IS war, but after what happened with Faith that specific incongruity must be remarked upon.

I always admired this episode. In hindsight it's a little less of an epic than I remembered it being. But it is still very good. ****.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "The Weight Of The World"

Not a fan of this episode.

I think Season 5 would have been more effective as 21 episodes instead of 22. Or hell, 21 and a half. Buffy's catatonia feels like the series is spinning its wheels for the sole reason they have nothing better for her to do for an entire episode. It's like the cougar and Kim Bauer, or Teri Bauer's amnesia on 24. Because that show couldn't simply ignore those characters for a few episodes, they put them in scenes that were ridiculous, stupid, and besides the point. That's essentially what Buffy's mental breakdown boils down to.

In recent years genre has gotten VERY good at casting young actors as younger versions of famous characters. Buffy The Vampire Slayer was NOT one of those shows that started that trend. The little girl they got here is at least blond (unlike the one in "Killed By Death") but she is still nothing like Sarah Michelle Gellar in looks, voice, and demeanor.

Let me compliment the show about Ben for a minute. And most people won't because Ben is annoying character. But Charlie Weber's role isn't just thankless. It works. I honestly believe Parker Abrams as played by the skeevy actor Adam Kaufman is the worst Buffyverse character. Why? Because even before he uses and discards Buffy, there is something very unsavory about the character. I could never put my finger on it but I instantly distrusted and disliked him. So I had little sympathy for Buffy falling for that creep's nonsense. Ben is similarly annoying, but only in hindsight. I never liked him, but as the season was going I never hated him either. Him turning to the dark side was genuinely not a given, and he could have gone either way. And for a character you want for a surprise heel-turn, that's what you want.

I'll tell you though, you can pinpoint the moment Ben is going to do the wrong thing. While Dawn is traumatized and terrified the dude is actually complaining about and resenting what Glory has done to his career! Talk about missing the point! The character being that shallow and self-involved during that moment of a child's clear trauma meant his alliance with Glory was inevitable.

The scene at the beginning of Spike explaining Spike and Glory was funny, but I think it was difficult. The series does NOT want us to view Willow as a punchline in the moment (her Taking Charge Like A Boss at the beginning was great) so they had her simply looking confused and gave all the "dumb guy" lines to Giles and Xander. I get why they did that. But it's not credible either.

I think Joel Grey gives one of the finest performances of the season as Doc. It's amazing I never appreciated it before, but he was a great get and one of the best finds of the show. I'm trying to think of another role on the show this small that is this great and coming up blank. He's amazing.

Broadcast television, man. 22 44 minute episodes per season. Can't shorten any of 'em, or even lessen the episode number to tighten up the arc. I think that was ultimately Season 7's downfall. I believe (not unreasonably mind you, and we'll get into this later) that Season 7 had the potential to have been the best season of the show if it had been 12 or 13 episodes instead of 22. At least Season 5 only feels like a single episode too many. But the 22 episode orders for dramas of this era invariably ruined a lot of arcs. But since so few shows even DID arcs at this point, nobody really had any way of knowing that at the time. Oh well. This episode is ultimately the show spinning its wheels and a whole lotta nuthin'. ***.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer "The Gift"

As far as picking the best Buffy episodes goes, I am a purist. I tend to prefer the big emotional season ending episodes to the cinematic gimmick one-off episodes. My belief for years was that "Becoming, Part 2" was the best episode and "The Gift" was second-best. I won't lie. I noticed some flaws this time out (while when I rewatched "Becoming, Part 2" it remained pitch-perfect). But this ending is far more effecting than Becoming's was. I cried every time I watched Becoming's Ending. Except for that last time. I feared I perhaps grew a bit too used to the drama there. More than likely I found the things Angelus did during the rest of the season too unforgivable to waste a second of regret Buffy is forced to kill him after he gets back his soul. The devastation of "The Gift" still lands properly, and I DID cry. So I haven't become a heartless detached bastard after all. Just different things move me than they used to.

The stuff with Ben and Glory, and Xander and Anya in the Magic Shop give me this weird feeling like the episode is ten minutes too long. Yes, it's ultimately more emotionally resonant than Becoming's second part. But I feel like Becoming focused on the right things and ran a tighter narrative ship the whole way through.

Speaking as a person who has literally watched thousands of hours of television, seeing Spike come upon Buffy's body and breaking down in tears, and bawling like baby, is one of the most effectively tragic things I've ever seen. It feels 100% earned instead of manipulative too (sneers at Forrest Gump) and although I was already pretty weepy when it happened, I just about lost it then. It does the trick every time. It's just perfect. It is devastating on every level.

I mentioned there were things about the episode I didn't dig. The teaser feels like Joss Whedon puffing out his chest for a little unearned feminist street cred by the boy victim saying in disbelief upon being saved, "But you're just a girl!" That moment isn't the feminist victory lap Whedon thinks it it. Also the stuff with Anya and Xander in the basement with the proposal dragged a little.

Let's talk about the good and the great.

Without a doubt the greatest recap in Buffyverse history. Literally a clip of every single previous episode from the past five seasons is played for a split second. And the reason the show's DVD releases are so shoddy is because they cut out all the recaps as if the viewer wouldn't want to have them. Fans were so outraged by this one not being present Fox "graciously" added it as an Easter Egg on one of the discs for Season 7. But it simply was not the same. I want a proper Blu-Ray release for the show, recaps intact, and also not using these horrible generic HD Masters Hulu is using. They make the show look like crap.

Anya being super helpful after Giles and Spike berate her for being annoying in expecting everybody else to come up with ideas is one of my favorite moments for that character. Buffy and Willow did their share of damage to Glory, but they wouldn't have if Anya hadn't thought of the Dagon sphere and the Troll Hammer.

Spike's scene with Buffy where she invites him in again is interesting. Not just him telling her he knows she'll never love him. But that he appreciates that she treats him like a man. I don't approve of the Spuffy ship, even when he later got a soul, for a multitude of reasons, but when Angelus reemerged in Season 2, he said the fact that Buffy made him feel like a human being was unforgivable. Regardless of how poorly I think of the Spuffy ship in general, the fact is that evil Spike valuing that fact instead means he's STILL a better match than Angel ever was. Both with and without the soul. And frankly, that's a pretty low bar. But it exists, partially because of that moment.

This is not the only time Spike has joined the Scoobies to save the world, but it's the only time he did it without his soul, and without doublecrossing anybody. Buffy's death means something for that reason.

"Hey, kid! Wanna see a trick?" Where did they find this Joel Grey cat and why is this the first time I'm noticing how awesome he is?

Giles killing Ben is the right move, but I don't like him claiming Buffy couldn't bring herself to take a human life because she's a hero. Not only has she already done it several times in the past (in the episodes "The Pack", "What's My Line?", and "Homecoming") but she killed several Knights of Byzantium just two freaking episodes ago! Make up your mind about that, Joss!

I'm gonna say something controversial. Unless either Season 6 or 7 changes my mind (and I know they won't) I find Season 5 the best season, qualitywise. Season 2 is uneven on its best day, Season 3 is totally overrated, and Season 4 is underwhelming (the less said about the crappy Season 1, the better). Season 5's Glory arc does not actually resonate as much as Angelus', or even the Mayor's. But the truth is the best group of episodes occurred during it. For the previous 4 seasons it was episode after episode of crap I hated in between amazing Joss Whedon gimmick episodes. I still hate "Buffy Vs. Dracula" and "Family" is probably Joss's worst written and directed episode. But I didn't routinely feel the searing sense of rage I did when rewatching the previous seasons. I did feel it sometimes. But there were quite a few episodes I didn't which is unusual. For the other seasons, there were very few episodes that DIDN'T have a ton of things for me to nitpick.

I will nitpick one major thing about this. And I blame the internet for it, but really, Joss Whedon is ultimately responsible. The fact that Buffy was gonna die in this episode was a poorly kept secret. Not just because the entire season pointed to it and built up to it, but because Ain't-It-Cool-News and other spoiler sites got ahold of some inside sources who would spoil literally nearly every script as it was handed in. Apparently, Buffy's grave was originally supposed to read "She died to save the world." Which would have been pure perfection and ended the season (and potentially the series) in a devastating, amazing, emotional place. "She saved the world. A lot," actually seems like a joke during one of the series' saddest moments. And I think it was changed at the last minute because Joss couldn't stand the idea that people already knew that was coming and made the one thing he COULD make a surprise before the airing an actual surprise. But that other thing would have been purely perfect, and Joss got it in his head internet gossips should be proven wrong instead. But he turned the most perfect ending on the show possible imperfect through pure spite. As his career went along Whedon sort of accepted internet spoiler sites as the price of doing business, and the only person who could EVER mess them up was David Lynch himself. But Buffy got a joke on her tombstone instead of the loving goodbye she needed out of spite. And I almost want to deduct half a star for it. I won't. But I want to.

I still think it's the second best episode. But whatever the third best episode is, I no longer think it's MILES ahead of it. *****.




Tiny Toons Looniversity "Freshman Orientoontion"

I heard good things about this. I heard the show was good and that it was better than the Animaniacs relaunch.

It's only the first episode but so far I don't think either thing is true. At least not yet.

The original Tiny Toons had bad and hackneyed writing too, and I viewed the show as a cynic instead of a fan. But the truth is even if the quality was not up to my personal standards back then, it was actually average to above average to other cartoons of the era. This being not any cleverer 30 years later is not great.

Also, I understand the new Animaniacs was polarizing. But for me, it was still funny, particularly the Pinky and the Brain stuff. Now this IS the first episode and there are 9 to go. But I didn't laugh once. If I do in the upcoming episodes I'll note whenever it happens. Best case scenario is I get used to the show enough that laughing at it becomes routine instead of something worth noting. But I'm not impressed yet. **1/2.

Tiny Toons Looniversity "Give Pizza A Chance"

Second episode thoughts: I didn't like anything during it and I didn't laugh once. The second either of those things changes in an upcoming episode, you guys will be the first to know. I swear. **.

Tiny Toons Looniversity "Extra, So Extra"

I could spend every review for this show saying "I don't dig this," but where would be the fun in that?

I think what interests me at this point is why the reception has been favorable when I dislike it so much. I have some theories. Tell me if they sound crazy.

Despite the fact that I don't think the show is funny or well-written, I suspect the fact that it contains a certain level of heart and sincerity is something people find a bit refreshing, especially for a Looney Tunes-related project. I DID like the Animaniacs relaunch, but the truth is it WAS sour as hell. And while I will argue it was funnier and better written than the original series, in comparison many of the cultural critiques felt comparatively toothless. It was understandable in these hyperpartisan times, but I think the old show, as obvious as its jokes often were, took brave stands a LOT more often. Granted, not in the subtlest of ways but it felt a LOT more antiauthoritarian than the relaunch.

The Tiny Toons reboots similar lacks the edge of the original series, but instead of it feeling blunted, perhaps viewers who like it like it because it lacks the cynicism of most Looney Tunes projects. I don't think it's funny and I find the dialogue painful at best. But maybe it's getting a good reception for being a feel-good project in a franchise that famously always made you feel bad. Looney Tunes Cartoons were famously slavish to both the premises and tone of the original shorts, and they were famously hated anyways. Some people sniffed they simply hadn't caught lightning in a bottle the second time. I will argue the problem may have been modern audiences reject humor that routinely cruel. Maybe that's why this show is something people like.

While I could take or leave Looney Tunes Cartoons, I did enjoy the cynicism of the new Animaniacs. But I'm questioning if that's the reason people loved the original Animaniacs or not. Probably not. It might have been the catharsis of the Warners violently fighting back against the authority figures they did. I feel a lot more of their enemies were righteous for them to torture back then. Do I think the show was probably sloppily and lazily-written back in the day? "Goodfeathers" says yes. But while the relaunch sort of focused on bad vibes, the original focused on good ones. Maybe that's why people like THIS show.

I don't. It's not because I'm pickier than y'all, or dislike sincerity (I actually love it). I'm just not feeling that sincerity yet. And maybe that was why I never connected with the old show either. I felt a lot of both the scenarios and premises felt forced. And it still kinda does.

I think the reason I like the new Animaniacs and not this is that while Animaniacs feels a bit toned down from the original as far as wacky and broad humor goes, the comedy is more observational, and the performances by the classic cast are far more nuanced. That's what I respond to. The fact that this show is exactly as loud, dumb, and obnoxious as the original is not winning it any points in my book. Comedy evolves. By necessity. This being as dumb and badly written as 1990 standards is not a selling point.

I remember there was an episode of Tiny Toons written by a group of ten-year-old girls. They sent in the script to the studio via snail mail, and Spielberg excitedly greenlit it because it was exactly as good as everything else. They believed the girls deserved praise for that, and maybe on some level they did. But the original show also deserves shade for being routinely sophomorically-written and juvenile enough that a group of ten years olds can randomly write a script and you can't tell the difference. It's definitely a compliment to those kids. And damning to the writers of the original series.

My Gilda And Meek comics of the era were better written than Tiny Toons or Darkwing Duck. My friends thought so and I agreed. And they will never see the light of day again because they STILL suck ass and embarrass the hell out of me in hindsight. "Better than Tiny Toons" should not be the freaking bar. The fact that this reboot isn't even aware the bar exists is troubling as hell.

I will say this (and this goes for Hulu's Animaniacs too): The animation and character designs look great. Why is it both of those comeback cartoons have more recognizably Looney Tunes-style character designs and animation than Looney Tunes Cartoons ever did? Whatever else the show is, it's great to look at. **1/2.

Tiny Toons Looniversity "Tooney Ball Lights"

Still disliking things. Really, despite my theories in the last review, I'm STILL a little surprised people like this.

I do like that Daffy appears to be "Mine! Mine!" Daffy instead of "Woo hoo! Woo hoo!" Daffy. Selfish Daffy is not just the one I grew up with, but was the one in my favorite Looney Tunes TV projects over the years like Duck Dodgers and The Looney Tunes Show. I thought both Wabbit and Looney Tunes Cartoons resurrecting the loony Daffy was a strange choice I didn't agree with.

A kind and understanding Foghorn Leghorn however is that specific guy being written out of character. Full stop.

The original Looney Tunes cast has a bigger role on this show than they did on the original. Back then they were essentially cameos, that eventually faded into the background altogether. They are woven into the fabric of the entire reboot.

I liked the animation on Hamton's flying dream. I also weirdly like Shirley. Maybe because her voice doesn't sound specifically like a cartoon character, which is a bit refreshing.

I will call b.s. on the premise now. Buster used to be in high school? The cast are all college-age students? Wouldn't that make them freaking adults? It's a Looniversity because that's the correct pun. But you want to suggest "Tiny Toons" are actually young adults, I'mma call b.s. on ya.

This is totally not my jam. I should stop now. You'd probably thank me. Which is probably why I'm not stopping. How DARE you thank me for being sensible?!?! NEVER!!! **.

Tiny Toons Looniversity "Save The Loo Bru"

First impressions:

1. I will be very surprised if people who like the show actually like this episode. It is a special level of sucky.

2. The episode is so damn bad I'm embarrassed people like the show to begin with. Also, get offa my lawn.

When Bugs takes off the dress at the beginning to the class' "shock" and delight as they wildly applaud his "trick" I was like, "Crap like this is why I hated the old show." It wouldn't just venerate the classic Looney Tunes bits. It would venerate the crappy stuff as if it were an equal level of genius as the high points. No. No. And the bit at the end nightclub? This is why we shouldn't do this. 0.

Tiny Toons Looniversity "Prank You Very Much"

Stupid, boring, and badly written! Trifecta!

I'll tell you though, I liked the gag of when Plucky is talking about six weeks he holds up six fingers on one hand. Now it didn't actually make me laugh. But I liked it. **.

Tiny Toons Looniversity "General HOGspital"

Considering the premise, it's damning I didn't laugh once. And 7 episodes in, I still haven't laughed at ANYTHING.

I will not be back for season 2. *.

Tiny Toons Looniversity "Souffle, Girl Hey"

The irony is not lost on me that on a show that supposedly puts such a high premium on laughter, they brought back the least funny version of Lola.

I like that Granny has Plucky down as "Annoying Duck" in her caller ID.

Cool Cat was never a good character, and he was barely used here. Chillest Cat was quite lame, and a keen insight on what middle-aged writers erroneously believe coolness is. I mean, after Plucky's pathetic meltdown, the idea that the guy would praise the school for its friendship and authenticity isn't just a poorly written cliche. It's legit uncool.

Michigan J Frog is wasted, but he could have a bigger role later on. Since this is the only season I'm watching, I probably won't get to see it. *1/2.

Tiny Toons Looniversity "Tears Of A Clone"

A lot apparently happened in this episode. Nothing that I cared about. Not good. *.

Tiny Toons Looniversity "The Show Must Hop On"

And I'm out. Good time for me to leave. I was finding things tiresome. I don't often quit shows I start but I don't think I'd be able to offer anything constructive in further reviews.

I'm glad the show is resonating for other people. That's good you all like it. For me, I didn't laugh once during ten episodes. And I feel this is a good place to check out. *.




Star Trek: Lower Decks "In The Cradle Of Vexilon"

The Betazoid Gift Box? The Wadi Game? This show's weekly reminder that Star Trek had some super weird concepts.

I love that the gift box is profane because T'Ana was in the room.

I also like the idea that there exists a God computer out there that is benevolent. You kind of figure there'd have to be some of those, right?

Boimler did a lousy job as a commander on his first mission.

Didn't recognize the reference to where he wound up after he died.

It being hazing after all was a bit of a disappointment to me.

It was pretty good. ***1/2.




Star Trek: Very Short Treks "Holiday Party"

It's nice to see Strange New Worlds and Discovery get the Star Trek: The Animated Series treatment.

Leonard Nimoy famously (and in my opinion stupidly) hated blooper reels, so having Spock do this is great.

I love Spock's idea of self-deprecation.

It's funny because it ain't canon. ****.




Ahsoka "Part Five: Shadow Warrior"

Mixed feelings (to say the least). For an 8 episode season, an episode that has as little forward momentum as this one does is troubling. The fact that the current strikes make new content at a premium is also worrisome. Are they spinning their wheels because they plan to end the season on a huge cliffhanger? Considering the studios are refusing every reasonable demand from both the actors and writers that cliffhanger might remain unsolved for a good five years. Ill-advised time for big franchises to do long-term planning. Andor is kinda screwed there too, by the way.

I'll talk about the quality in a minute. But there was something I've been meaning to mention every week but I always declined to because I could have been wrong. It's episode 5. I feel safe enough observing this. What's interesting is I've never seen anyone else point this out.

Am I the only one who has noticed that there is a distinct lack of cursing on this show?

Star Wars is not a profane franchise. But for the Disney live-action stuff especially, "hells" and "damns" are common. Andor has even provocatively graduated to s-bombs. Why do I think the characters are speaking so squarely? My theory is Dave Filoni is trying his damndest to rehabilitate Star Wars Rebels in the fans' minds.

Rebels is the red-headed step-child of the canon. So much of the arc of the current stuff can be tied to it, but its quality was shady. And unlike both The Clone Wars and The Bad Batch, which both had TV-PG stuff with violence, death, and for The Clone Wars, occasional cursing, Rebels totally Nerfed the franchise in not just violence, but the way the characters spoke. (For example it routinely used the dreaded "Destroy them" rather than "Kill them".) Maybe Filoni is having the characters on this show speaking in a more age appropriate manner to suggest Rebels simply happened to follow a group of characters who just randomly happened to not be profane. Maybe this show uses gentle language to give THAT show's gentle language credibility, and to say it both fits, and is in character for that cast. There are three episodes left so for all I know Ezra will scream "Leroy Jenkins!" followed by multiple f-bombs, but in case I'm right, that's the theory I'm going with.

Really, the only more disrespected Star Wars show than Rebels is Resistance. But a future producer tries to find ways to make THAT mess more believable I'll be surprised. I think Filoni has done a good job making Rebels seem like a worthwhile project in hindsight. There ain't no polishing the turd that was Resistance.

I was unhappy with Anakin's portrayal. He seems mad that Ahsoka brings up the Vader stuff. You know what Annie? She is right to bring it up. In fact, SHE'S the one who should be mad. The episode is trying to portray Anakin as helpful, but if that's true, there is no logical reason to instigate a light-saber duel other than Filoni imagined we wanted to see at least one in the episode, and one between Anakin and Ahsoka especially. I think it was wrong on both counts because it makes no damn sense.

Carson is taking an awful lot on faith here. They are asking him to risk him entire career for some truly nutty stuff.

Speaking of which, I loved the ending. Not only was it weirdly majestic (and how great was it when Ahsoka admitted she didn't know where the whales were gonna take 'em but reasoned that somewhere was better than nowhere?) but the looks on the faces of the Republic pilots said a LOT about the people in the franchise. Andor has gotten a LOT of praise for exploring how civilians live and fit in on the fringes of the Star Wars Universe. That right there suggested these tie-fighter jockeys really had no inkling of the weird adventure stuff Jedi get up to every week. There isn't just fear and disturbance running through their minds. It's wonder and awe.

Do you know what it is? It's Tyrion Lannister watching Daenerys Targaryen escape a fiery death by flying away on the back of her pet dragon. Of course, I don't think Ahsoka and Dani's arcs will end the same way (God forbid) but it was also a moment with people with previously mundane and / or crappy lives briefly believing in the notion of magic and superheroes. It was really cool. Maybe things are gonna turn out all right. Maybe fairytales are real and happy endings are possible. Maybe.

Jacen is useful. It's also kind of cute to see a live-action Chopper. I love Jacen asking Huyang if he'd train him, and Huyang saying no. Does he know how to build a light saber? Yes. Will he teach him? No. David Tennant was the right voice casting choice for this specific Droid.

The girl they got to play young Ahsoka is not just credible for Rosario Dawson. But the character as she was on The Clone Wars too.

Felt weird to hear Hayden Christensen himself call her "Snips" though.

Cool they got back Temuera Morrison to briefly voice Rex in the flashback.

With Ahsoka in limbo, and about half the of the episode spent searching for her, we feel like we are spinning our wheels in a point in the season we can't afford to do that (Thrawn and Ezra still haven't shown up and the common worry among the fandom is their returns will be as brief and frustrating as Luke Skywalker's in the last 30 seconds of The Force Awakens). I don't love that bit myself. ***.




Harley Quinn "Killer's Block"

Great ending with Nightwing. I can live with that.

Bruce could have gotten out any time he wanted? This Batman is lazy. The fact that he apparently doesn't give a crap or even know about what's been going on with Nightwing and Batgirl also says he sucks.

Seriously, Alfred. You are destroying your life for the wrong person.

This version of Gordon is not the type to want to "do it right" when bringing in the guy who shot his daughter in the back.

Good.

I just realized. They didn't just start the Gotham City Sirens OR the Birds of Prey at the end. The specific line-up of Babs, Harley, Ivy, and Selina is the DCAU Gotham Girls! Full-stop!

I don't mind that Harley threatened Joker's kids. They ain't exactly innocent bystanders.

Good to dedicate the episode to Arlene Sorkin.

I felt this was a good place to leave things. Crazily enough, I do not retract my complaints about last week. I can think things turned out a-ight and still have those stand. ****.




Batwheels "Mechanic Panic"

Jestah questions the logic of Bibi being willing to help her since they aren't exactly on the same team. Bibi says that doesn't matter in this circumstance. I disagree. Bibi and the Batwheels deciding to repair Harley Quinn's getaway car is the definition of mattering. They shouldn't be doing it.

While we're talking crap they shouldn't be doing, why are they taking Jestah to the secret location of the Batcave? **.

Batwheels "Improvise My Ride"

I'd say this was a REALLY inferior version of Poison Ivy, but thinking back on all the interpretations I've ever seen, the one on "Harley Quinn" is really the only one I like. They aren't wrecking a character high in my esteem. Not at all.

Ace needs his cape, mask, and cowl. Now please.

The song sucked. It doesn't always.

Eh. **1/2.

Batwheels "Dynamic Du-Oh-No"

I like that they remembered to make Snowy a reluctant villain. They don't always remember to do that. I like that he still likes Buff.

I love that they had vocalists harmonize the instrumental theme song during the climax and at the end.

Batwing is kinda annoying.

A cute one. ***1/2.

Batwheels "To The Batmobile!"

That was awesomely delightful.

Yes, this show routinely delivers turkeys. But I value it and poop on Spidey And His Amazing Friends because it occasionally does stuff like this and Spidey never does.

Let us itemize the awesomesauce.

Normally I frown on dead actors' likenesses and archival footage being used posthumously. You really think Gene and Grace Kelly wanted to be last remembered for selling vacuum cleaners? The difference here is Adam West genuinely loved being Batman. Despite the role typecasting him, and causing work to dry up for him for decades, he was proud of it and tickled by how many fans he made. Every other live-action Batman I can think of seems embarrassed of the role in hindsight. Every return to the franchise is wearily done with caveats for that reason. It was like pulling teeth for all of them. West, no matter what, was always game. The only other actor who loved being Batman as much as he did was probably Kevin Conroy. But I think if someone told Adam he'd still be playing a version of the character years after he died the idea would thrill and amuse him. I'm not just using that as a b.s. justification to feel better about a practice I think is usually shady. I actually believe it.

Batman 66 stuff:

Crazily, they somehow managed to make Adam's dotted eyes and smile look exactly like Adam West's. No clue how they possibly pulled that off, but they did.

We heard the sound effects but didn't see the word panels. Preschool show, understandable. Like many of Batman 66's similar VFX failures, I accepted it, because I Got What They Were Going For.

Climbing up the building and Green Arrow popping out of a window is also a must.

And of course while the Batman 66 theme isn't played (I assumed because of rights issues with Fox) they Batwheels theme itself was a bit "da na na na na na naed" up a bit during the episode itself.

It's not just that this show is always eating Spidey's lunch that pisses me off. It's that they make it so damn effortless. It's not even because it seems that. It's because making a decent preschool should actually be this simple. The fact that Spidey is terrible is a conscious choice Disney made that I think is both stupid and unnecessary. If they wanted to, that show could easily be good. Batwheels is the proof. *****.




Spidey And His Amazing Friends "Go With The Lava Flow / An Un-bee-lievable Rosh Hashanah"

Go With The Lava Flow

I made the mistake of watching and reviewing this immediately after watching the Adam West Batwheels episode. Big mistake. If I seem a bit unforgiving, that's why.

Mea Culpa: I was about to give the show crap for Miles talking up these rare pink iguanas and then Team Spidey RANDOMLY being called on a rescue mission to the exact same damn island where the last 200 of them exist. But it's actually a trick by Peter and Gwen to fool Miles into seeing his favoritest thing ever he never mentioned before this week, and will forget all about during his next favoritest thing next week. So maybe the show should get credit for being less stupid than I predicted.

Except Miles himself should have noticed this suspicious coincidence himself, so partial credit at best, and no credit, if I'm actually being fair. Miles isn't supposed to be a stupid character and neither is Peter, and yet they are always portrayed as such.

Ugh. Why can't this be Batwheels? *.

An Un-bee-lievable Rosh Hashanah

Gotta give the show credit: There are not many cartoons that get to a holiday before Charlie Brown ever did. Did they actually beat Teen Titans Go! there too, which celebrates alternate Tuesdays? I think they might have. Bonus points for pulling THAT off.

Cool exploring Ben Grimm's Jewishness.

You know, when a villain randomly calls him "The Thing" it sounds like a rude insult. I get it's his chosen superhero ID, but I guess hearing the "The" in front of it sounds weirdly dehumanizing in 2023. Damn the 1960's! This is all Stan Lee's fault, you know.

Not as terrible as the show usually is, although as always Gobby episodes are always a bit of a chore to get through. **.

Episode Overall: *1/2.




American Dad! "Frantastic Voyage"

I laughed my ass off when Francine and the lady lifted their dresses and they were both wearing diapers.

The reverse Werewolf thing was great too.

I think the thing I liked about the tire story with Jeff and Hayley is that it didn't go South. They had a nice thing and were allowed to enjoy it. And pass it on to someone else. There aren't enough nice things on this show. I want and like nice things.

Pretty good. ***1/2.

American Dad! "A Little Mystery"

You know, this one was kind of sweet too, which is the selling point of Jeff Fisher. When amnesiac Hayley is astonished she wanted space she's like, "Why? You're a great guy!" He is.

I love how the episode resolved the mystery for both Hayley and the viewer. And I think it held up. Also Roger is a moron.

Rogu shout-out.

And this being this show it subversively suggested an ending that is in reality horrific, is a happy ending. And it kind of is.

I am very glad we did not seeing quickly growing armpit and leg hair on Francine. Knowing this show, we could have. Her plot was still totally gross anyways, by the way. Almost forgot to mention that.

I'm glad the show is back. ****.




Duma Key by Stephen King

The tone and story seem to recall both "Bag Of Bones" and "Lisey's Story" but I noticed it's not quite as good as either. I feel a lot of sympathy for the narrator Edgar Freemantle. And his honesty about what happened to him is refreshing. But he honestly stated certain truths about himself that made me dislike him.

It's not just the angry outbursts after the accident. He's says some pretty horrible stuff and is violent, but that's not really his fault. The thing about him that bothers me is he admits to the reader he loves and prefers his youngest daughter Ilse to his older daughter Melinda. That's not only not something a good parent should do. It's not something a good person would do either.

Another problem is I don't think Perse is a very smart supernatural villain. Wireman (who is a great character, and one of Stephen King's best at this stage of his career) says Perse is gonna regret messing with Edgar. And that's right. Edgar would not have had the motivation or even the knowledge to stop Perse and trap her for however long she is now if she hadn't killed Ilse is retribution for... what, exactly? Finding stuff out? Her motivation for starting a blood vendetta against the most powerful person Duma Key had ever seen is unclear. And stupid. Which makes Ilse's death not just tragic. But pointless and counterproductive. I wish villains weren't so damn stupid all the time. Even supernatural beings of an omniscience, mythological nature can't help doing super dumb stuff that is their downfall.

I mentioned how much I like Wireman. The best and most telling description about him Edgar gives us is that Wireman is a rare person who can repeatedly tell him no, while refusing to budge, and not make him angry for it. And considering anger is Edgar's usual state of being, him noticing that suggests Wireman is both reasonable and chill. I like that specific description very much.

I also love that Wireman gives him a "blank check" after Edgar gives him back his sight, and as much of a jerk as Edgar is, he is at least sensible enough to know that when somebody offers you a blank check you never cash it. Maybe that should go without saying, but it weirdly usually doesn't.

I also like the idea that Edgar believes Jack believes in the supernatural stuff easier than his generation would because he was raised on "The X-Files" and "Lost". And while I think supernatural stuff is nonsense myself, because I was raised on sci-fi and speculative fiction, I would definitely entertain the notion of it being true if it came from a credible personal source. A LOT of the tertiary characters in King's earlier work got their dumb asses killed for refusing to believe the obvious. Maybe his later fiction has fewer main character casualties than before simply because current society makes it easier for people to get with the freaking program.

I do feel the death of Ilse was not just stupid on Perse's end, but King handled it cruelly. I dislike Edgar, but I can't stand his ex-wife Pam. I understand it was his fault. I understand she's mad. But her saying she never wants to speak to him again and that she wishes he HAD died in that accident while he is grieving as badly as she is suggests she is entirely self-involved. And Edgar's opinion has sort of hinted that's how he saw her after the accident and why he always flies into a temper with her. But in reality, if I were her I would be exactly as pissed at Edgar over the things he says and does. The thing that makes me realize Edgar is right after all is her saying that. Honestly, it's one of the cruelest damn scenes King has ever written, and it makes me cringe every time. I don't mind my heart being broken in a good way. This broke it in a bad one.

I could discover no explicit King Connections here (rare for non-Bachman novels) but Edgar describing his last happy memory brought back the narrator of Pet Sematary describing the same scenario with Louis Creed. Now Edgar survived this story, and has said he would be surprised if he never has another good moment again. But just the fact that he's spent four years between that night and writing this biography without a single happy or good moment or memory is a very powerful and sad idea.

I was always confused who wrote the "How To Draw A Picture" chapters. Many are from the perspective of young Lisbeth. I decided during this reading to read those chapters as if Edgar wrote them as he did everything else in the book, and yeah that made it fit. The narrative ship there isn't exactly tight, because for years it was never evident I should have done that all along.

Technically, it's standard King. But it's also from the era where his standard stuff was no longer pedestrian at best, or awful at worst. Standard King in the early aughts meant a good yarn. Even if it was imperfect, King is not the shoddy writer he used to be when he didn't hit a home run. ****.



Gilda And Meek And The Un-Iversing Tomorrow. I'm pooped of reviews for a few days.