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Nov. 17th, 2024
Transformers: Rescue Bots Academy "Rescue Teens"
Listen up, kids. Unlike every single episode of this "educational program" we're actually going to have to learn something. There will be math involved. And even science! Neat!
Have you ever seen Static Shock? "Hoop Squad" is the worst and most infamous episode of that show ever. When people discuss the worst episode of the DC Animated Universe, Hoop Squad usually tops most people's list. I can actually think of a few Batman: The Animated Series, Batman Beyond, Justice League, and Static Shock episodes worse, but for the sake of math and our lesson I'll stipulate it's the worst (for our purposes).
When I saw and reviewed the animated film Superman: Brainiac Attacks I said it was 20 times worse than Hoop Squad. And here's where the math comes in. I said maybe it should be counted as technically SIXTY times as bad if you consider Hoop Squad's mere 22 minute running time as one of its virtues.
So this episode is the worst episode in Rescue Bots Academy history, arguably the worst Transformers show I have ever suffered through (never had to endure Kiss Players, thank God), and it's only 11 minutes long. And as far as this show goes, the average episode is about I would guess as 30 times worse than Brainiac Attacks. And that's with the eleven minute runtime. You fit six episodes in there, that's 180 times worse even with the shorter runtime (which in RBA's case doesn't help it). That means that Hoop Squad is 1/10,800 as bad as the average episode of this show. And this episode is probably a trillion times worse than the second worst episode of this series ever. So if you want to compare fractions to how bad the episode is compared to Hoop Squad, we're probably going to have to branch out into science to measure its suckiness on a molecular level.
I suck at math so if I calculated that wrong let me know.
The formula I've come up with (and this is rudimentary and unproven) is Roger Ebert's review of the movie North, times Lisa Schwarzbaum's review of Pay It Forward, to the power of Donald Trump's hemorrhoids, with a remainder of the kid in the wheelchair from the Burger King Kids Club being able to kick every single one of the Rescue Teens asses. It's is a black hole of pure banality, new dimension of sight and suck rarely glimpsed in this Universe. Can you actually view something this bad as inherently bad? Like Stewie Griffin's grape that never got to be a grape, perhaps I don't even want to make fun of it and just find it medically fascinating. This episode is the biggest pile of garbage I have sat through in years, although that might be me remembering Riverdale as better than it actually was. But this is an appalling, embarrassing level of stupid and galling. The director of Troll 2 cried out about how on Earth could he possibly make that movie worse? And lo, the Rescue Teens appeared and showed us all the way! The Human Centipede puked because the level of horror was too tasteless even for it. John Waters exhumed Divine's body and gave his decades-rotting corpse mouth-to-mouth in the hopes there was just enough of a speck of leftover dog turd from Pink Flamingos to wash the taste of this episode out of his mouth. Ed Wood is jealous of this episode because it's better at being worse than he'll ever be. Uwe Boll challenged this episode to a boxing match. And this episode knocked him out with a flick of its finger. Joe Eszterhas described watching this episode as a religious experience, then joined the Church of Satan to prove the point. Chuck Todd moderated a debate between this episode and the second single-worst entity in existence besides itself and declared that we'd just have to leave it there. Jon Lovitz did this episode's audio commentary. Sean Hannity voted for this episode for President. This episode impregnated three women on the Jerry Springer Show. And brought them all flowers on-stage. David E Kelly wrote this episode and it won an Emmy in 1992. I could go on. But I can't think of anything worse than David E Kelly winning Emmys in the 1990's, so I'll have to pull a Chuck Todd and say we'll have to leave it there.
I have invented a new grade for this episode. I told you math would be involved. The lowest grade I give is 0 stars. That's too many. This episode freaking OWES me stars. This episode is dealing with freaking negative star integers. I am a reasonable fellow so instead of demanding the value of every star I have ever given out, I demand my personal highest grade (five stars) to be delivered to me via this episode stabbing me in the eyes with forks while slicing off my junk with a hot poker followed by an acid bath to put me out of my misery which would be preferable to watching this again. It is the least they can do for making me sit through that eleven minutes of utter torture to begin with. I'll feel better. I don't want to live on this planet anymore. Negative Five Stars. -*****.
Listen up, kids. Unlike every single episode of this "educational program" we're actually going to have to learn something. There will be math involved. And even science! Neat!
Have you ever seen Static Shock? "Hoop Squad" is the worst and most infamous episode of that show ever. When people discuss the worst episode of the DC Animated Universe, Hoop Squad usually tops most people's list. I can actually think of a few Batman: The Animated Series, Batman Beyond, Justice League, and Static Shock episodes worse, but for the sake of math and our lesson I'll stipulate it's the worst (for our purposes).
When I saw and reviewed the animated film Superman: Brainiac Attacks I said it was 20 times worse than Hoop Squad. And here's where the math comes in. I said maybe it should be counted as technically SIXTY times as bad if you consider Hoop Squad's mere 22 minute running time as one of its virtues.
So this episode is the worst episode in Rescue Bots Academy history, arguably the worst Transformers show I have ever suffered through (never had to endure Kiss Players, thank God), and it's only 11 minutes long. And as far as this show goes, the average episode is about I would guess as 30 times worse than Brainiac Attacks. And that's with the eleven minute runtime. You fit six episodes in there, that's 180 times worse even with the shorter runtime (which in RBA's case doesn't help it). That means that Hoop Squad is 1/10,800 as bad as the average episode of this show. And this episode is probably a trillion times worse than the second worst episode of this series ever. So if you want to compare fractions to how bad the episode is compared to Hoop Squad, we're probably going to have to branch out into science to measure its suckiness on a molecular level.
I suck at math so if I calculated that wrong let me know.
The formula I've come up with (and this is rudimentary and unproven) is Roger Ebert's review of the movie North, times Lisa Schwarzbaum's review of Pay It Forward, to the power of Donald Trump's hemorrhoids, with a remainder of the kid in the wheelchair from the Burger King Kids Club being able to kick every single one of the Rescue Teens asses. It's is a black hole of pure banality, new dimension of sight and suck rarely glimpsed in this Universe. Can you actually view something this bad as inherently bad? Like Stewie Griffin's grape that never got to be a grape, perhaps I don't even want to make fun of it and just find it medically fascinating. This episode is the biggest pile of garbage I have sat through in years, although that might be me remembering Riverdale as better than it actually was. But this is an appalling, embarrassing level of stupid and galling. The director of Troll 2 cried out about how on Earth could he possibly make that movie worse? And lo, the Rescue Teens appeared and showed us all the way! The Human Centipede puked because the level of horror was too tasteless even for it. John Waters exhumed Divine's body and gave his decades-rotting corpse mouth-to-mouth in the hopes there was just enough of a speck of leftover dog turd from Pink Flamingos to wash the taste of this episode out of his mouth. Ed Wood is jealous of this episode because it's better at being worse than he'll ever be. Uwe Boll challenged this episode to a boxing match. And this episode knocked him out with a flick of its finger. Joe Eszterhas described watching this episode as a religious experience, then joined the Church of Satan to prove the point. Chuck Todd moderated a debate between this episode and the second single-worst entity in existence besides itself and declared that we'd just have to leave it there. Jon Lovitz did this episode's audio commentary. Sean Hannity voted for this episode for President. This episode impregnated three women on the Jerry Springer Show. And brought them all flowers on-stage. David E Kelly wrote this episode and it won an Emmy in 1992. I could go on. But I can't think of anything worse than David E Kelly winning Emmys in the 1990's, so I'll have to pull a Chuck Todd and say we'll have to leave it there.
I have invented a new grade for this episode. I told you math would be involved. The lowest grade I give is 0 stars. That's too many. This episode freaking OWES me stars. This episode is dealing with freaking negative star integers. I am a reasonable fellow so instead of demanding the value of every star I have ever given out, I demand my personal highest grade (five stars) to be delivered to me via this episode stabbing me in the eyes with forks while slicing off my junk with a hot poker followed by an acid bath to put me out of my misery which would be preferable to watching this again. It is the least they can do for making me sit through that eleven minutes of utter torture to begin with. I'll feel better. I don't want to live on this planet anymore. Negative Five Stars. -*****.