Goodbye Harry Potter: "Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix" Review (Spoilers)

[matt_zimmer]

Goodbye Harry Potter: Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix

This is going to be a long review. Apologies in advance. The book is a bit of a slog so the review must be so as well.

This is not remotely the worst Harry Potter book. I will say it's the toughest read. Hardest to get through. It's my least favorite. People have complained about Sirius' death, but despite me finding it somewhat clumsy and heavy-handed, it's not the problem there, or why the book is hard to read. And the book is 870 fucking pages long, but its length isn't much to do with its inaccessibility or the inability for me to enjoy it (although it doesn't help. At all). But out of all of the Harry Potter books Order Of The Phoenix is the most mean-spirited and cruel (which is a statement). Ironically almost all of the heroes come off worse for it too. With the exceptions of Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom, there is not a single character in the book I don't think less of when it's over. To be clear, that's not necessarily a writing failure on J.K. Rowling's end. Giving heroes flaws can be good drama. But it IS one of the reasons this shit is tough to get through.

But before I deconstruct every way the characters suck, I will tackle in-depth the biggest failure of the book. I have held my tongue about the saga's various failings over the years. But this one is so big it's one I already mentioned in a previous toothless review of the book.

Dolores Umbridge makes the book hard to read and impossible to enjoy.

At several points I keep having to put down the book because this repulsive character angers me so much. She has zero redeeming qualities. And is quite possibly my least favorite fictional villain of all time. I think Dandy from American Horror Story: Freak Show is worse, but he's the only one I can think of off the top of my head who is.

Stephen King Book Club is still ongoing. A review of You Like It Darker is forthcoming soon. But despite the fact King can ALSO spin a yarn, he is a shit critic. He famously claimed Umbridge was the greatest fictional villain since Hannibal Lecter. King is an erstwhile liberal, but I dislike hearing his opinions about the world in general (and politics and pop-culture in particular) because he routinely says stupid, indefensible shit like that. There is no part of Dolores Umbridge that is anything but a failure.

She's repulsive. She's a manipulative sociopath. She's unnecessarily cruel. And oh, yeah, on top of it, she's incompetent. In order to show how much she sucks Rowling decided to give her no redeeming qualities.

That does not make a good villain.

And honestly, because of the American political situation in 2024, there is a reality to Umbridge's irredeemable repulsiveness. Rowling thought she was demonstrating a character so sadistic it was cartoonish. We are living through a history with a guy nicknamed by many as President Captain Planet Villain. And he might be President again if things go poorly. And maybe people want to praise Rowling for creating such a believable evil person on such a small, unimpressive scale. Umbridge is the banality of evil personified. But just because her cartoonish repulsiveness is now credible, doesn't mean I want to spend any time with her. Or think she's a worthy foe for Harry and his friends. Rowling does not get props from me for making a credible Trump allegory before Trump came along. Because Trump ruins everything. If a reader of Gilda And Meek ever were to praise me for the character of Vic Puff, and say he's a savvy allegory for Donald Trump, I'll tell them to kindly Get Bent. I HATE Vic Puff. He makes the story worse. So much so that I am a decent enough storyteller to understand you need to use a character like that absolutely sparingly. Umbridge is all over this book instead and makes it impossible to enjoy in every scene she is in.

I will say this about Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix. I think this was the first real book to give me a real idea of Rowling's selling points and failings as a storyteller. The failings tie into Umbridge heavily, but I think I'll talk about her storytelling virtues first anyways. And I guess the biggest compliment I can give this book is that the movie version is the worst Harry Potter adaptation of all time. If Rowling wasn't furious about it, I'd be shocked. The movie SHOULD have been split in two, but the best thing about the book is the entirely cinematic climax. I envision Rowling wrote that entire sequence in the Department of Mysteries with a film adaptation in mind, and how awesome the brains, time turners, Baby Death Eater, and spinning rooms would look on the silver screen. But the film absolutely butchered all that to hell. But in order to do it the proper justice the scene would need to be around an hour long, and films can't spend THAT long on a climax. Which I think is bullshit and why the film should have been split in two so they COULD have.

But yeah, that is a pretty canny bit of storytelling magic that reads less like a novel and more like the greatest unproduced screenplay that ever existed.

What are Rowling's failings? Nearly everything else.

I won't deny there are other good parts to the books (and I'll discuss them in a bit) but think this specific book should have sent up red flags about the end of the saga. And yes, this IS something I believe about the seventh book, which I loved. But Rowling's endings are unsatisfying as hell.

She is too afraid to rock the status quo. She is too afraid to show proper consequences to dangerous and evil behavior. Yes, Sirius died because of both Harry and Dumbledore's mistakes. But the last chapter literally has Draco Malfoy threaten to KILL Harry, and McGonagle merely has Crabbe and Goyle carry her luggage away as a punishment. It was a HUGE moment for Draco Malfoy, and a completely dark and disturbing turn, and Rowling immediately normalizes it, in a story with life and death stakes, mind you, as back-to-normal schoolyard rivalry. She's insane.

Similarly after Dolores Umbridge's horrible crimes, the worst punishment she suffers at the end of the book is being chased out of the castle by Peeves.

Rowling is so afraid to change the status quo, she refuses to acknowledge the power and severity of the evil things she shows. She buys it all back at the end, and she does this at the end of every book, even the last. Another unpopular Stephen King opinion about Rowling is that he advised her not to listen to critics about her last book, because speaking as somebody who got shit for how The Dark Tower ended, King correctly pointed out Rowling would get nothing but shit for it.

Now I DO believe the last book is gripping and a tense page-turning read (or at least it was the last time I read it). But satisfying? Rowling was unable to give the readers that.

I thought The Last Prophecy Chapter at the end of the book was quite ineptly written. She is having Dumbledore string the readers along about what the prophecy actually said for goddam pages like she is Howie Mandel or Regis Philbin cutting to commercial before hearing the contestant's answer. It's not riveting, it's annoying. And it's also a "trick" a better writer wouldn't ever need to use. Only poor writers put off telling their stories, and finding excuses NOT to tell them. That's exactly what that chapter boiled down to.

My review is ALL over the map, so I'm gonna give some complaints. This review is already so long and unwieldy I'll give my opinions as they occur instead of in a cohesive narrative order. Just so I don't forget any (which I would otherwise).

The next thing I need to talk about is Luna Lovegood. And let me let you in on a little secret. It's because of stuff like Luna Lovegood that I always gave Rowling the amount of slack I did. Luna Lovegood is a perfect representation of a misfit who doesn't fit in and doesn't give a shit about what other people think about her. She is one of the most empowering fictional outsiders in damn, HISTORY. No exaggeration. This is why Rowling bullying against transgender people was SO fucking damaging. To have her go against a segment of society already on the outside of it was a fundamental betrayal of everything a character like Lovegood made real-world kids who didn't fit in feel. It was unforgivable.

Why is Lovegood such an effective character? I will not entirely compliment Rowling for why I love her. Luna's behavior in the earlier part of the book is kind of ambiguous on a lot of levels. Harry loves Hagrid, Rowling expects the reader does too, so I think when she has Luna (correctly, mind you) point out Hagrid isn't a very good teacher, while the reader isn't sure of Luna, Rowling believes that is mark against her and wants the reader to think so too.

If Rowling thinks that (and I think that's probably what she was going for) she not only doesn't quite grasp how awesome Luna is, but I don't think she understands that Luna doing that is AWESOME. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Rowling intended this all along. But Luna badmouthing Hagrid in front of people who love Hagrid is amazing. It's different when Slytherins do it. They are TRYING to get a rise out of Harry. Luna instead is merely fearlessly offering an unpopular opinion and doesn't give a shit who hears it. She's not trying to offend Harry. But if he's offended, that doesn't bother her either way. It's not up to her to justify what a shitty teacher and person and Hagrid is, even to his friends.

And again, there's a possibility I'm not giving Rowling the proper due here, and that's the moral she was going for all along. But somehow I doubt it. That seems to me a conclusion that would probably be reached by a more solid and truthful writer than she is.

Harry's behavior in the book is pretty indefensible at all points. I think Rowling is trying to say his teenage hormones are making him extra cranky, but some of the shit he says and does is ridiculously stupid. Playing The Hero at the end with Sirius is just the tip of the iceberg.

I resent that Harry had to be told by Hermione that he was treating Cho shittily in the tea shop. And the worst part is, and why Rowling is a poor writer, is it's framed as Hermione understanding the mysteries of women and how to handle their unknowable mood swings.

That's bullshit. Harry was a complete shithead in that tea shop. Not speaking as a man insensitive to a woman's needs. But as a person insensitive to another person's needs. None of the shitty and ignorant things Harry said and did in that tea shop were done because Harry is a man. They were done because Harry is an asshole. And Hermione telling him he should have told Cho that he thinks Hermione is ugly is why Rowling should get no credit from feminists. If he was honest with her, Hermione's appearance would not come up at all. Rowling is a mean, stupid, ignorant writer (and person) because she thinks Hermione thinks it would be relevant. Bullshit.

And again, Asians pissed off that Cho Chang is basically best known for dating people, crying, and defending a piece of shit traitor friend, you are right to be pissed. And yes, the name sounding like Ching Chong is another thing that shows Rowling is the furthest thing from racially sensitive.

Time to talk about Snape. Specifically Snape's Worst Memory. I love how layered the memory is because both the reader and Harry assumes Snape is ashamed of the memory because James Potter humiliated him. We later learn he's ashamed because he calls the woman he is in love with, Lily Evans, a Mudblood, and once he did that, he lost her potential love forever. His regret is not James, it's Lily. And I fucking LOVE that in hindsight. I really ought to be giving Rowling accolades for that.

But damn it, remember when I said Rowling refuses to either satisfy the reader or change the status quo? If I was given this exact manuscript and could change anything in it, it would be the fall-out from that.

I understand that Harry needs to stop the Occlumency lessons to fall for Voldemort's trick at the end. Personally, I think it would have been much less dramatically interesting than if Harry had actually taken his regret about what he saw, and was real and honest to Snape about how ashamed he was his father did that.

Speaking as a writer who loves juicy drama, that would have been awesome. You can say "Matt, Harry's a kid lacking that kind of insight and wisdom," but he's also a fictional character and can be insightful and wise if Rowling chooses for him to be. To me it would have dramatic gold if Harry had walked up to him and said "I know things have been difficult between us, but it turns out you were absolutely right about what a arrogant shithead my father was, and if he's not around to apologize for her shitty behavior that day, I will."

And it would have been dramatic gold for Snape to question the sincerity of the apology and suggest Harry has ulterior motives for it. But the proper capper to Snape dismissing the apology would be Harry saying "I get why you think that. But you're wrong, and I'm going to do everything in my power going forward to prove it to you. Things have changed between us now whether you can admit it or not."

And maybe if he had done that, Sirius wouldn't have died and the book would lose that dramatic hook. But can you imagine the weight a genuine truce between Harry and Snape would give the NEXT book with the Unbreakable Vow and Snape's deep cover fake-out with Voldemort? If they had come to an understanding here, Snape killing Dumbledore would be a thousand times the shock it already is, and a far bigger betrayal than if Harry didn't already hate him. But that would upset the status quo in Slytherin, and Rowling is not a big enough thinker to see the value in doing that. Resetting those relationships, especially if Ron and the other Gryffindors still hate Snape, would bring up AMAZING dramatic opportunities, even before Snape killed Dumbledore on Dumbledore's orders to protect his cover, and save Draco Malfoy's life. Indeed that would add a ton of heartbreak and drama for Harry when that happened.

As a writer, Rowling is timid. Rowling is afraid to go outside of her comfort zone, even if all of the horrible shit she's crowded her comfort zone with has turned it uncomfortable. That doesn't impress me.

Other notes (as they come to me).

I loved the Dursley chapters and the incongruity of the Wizarding World effecting Privet Drive. It's the first chapter I kind of started to like the Dursleys. Face it, as shitty as they are, they are taking a mortal risk by raising Harry. Petunia understands this. My favorite bits of this were Harry asking her if she was in contact with wizards (which is the right question we frustratingly didn't get a proper answer to) and when Vernon tells him he's locking the door to his room I love Harry saying "You do that." It's a human response, which I like, because Rowling isn't very good at those usually, so whenever they occur, I treasure them.

Fred and George's exit from Hogwarts was pretty memorable. Peeves is one of the most annoying characters, and so obnoxious, he was essentially cut out of the films for it, but that's his only good moment. Ever.

Hermione's shit with the House-Elves might have been an interesting controversy but Rowling stubbornly refuses to reach the right conclusion. Hermione is a BAD GUY for hiding clothes she knits for the House-Elves to find. And I agree that's a shit move. But I shouldn't ever be made to think freeing a slave under ANY circumstances is a shit move. That is a story failing. It's weird Rowling wants me to believe otherwise. She is a shitty human being for trying to push the other moral.

Likewise, Sirius' treatment of Kreacher is similarly disgusting, and when Harry accuses Dumbledore of suggesting Sirius had it coming, I wouldn't have backed down were I Albus. I'd be like, "You are hurting and want me to feel shame about saying a true thing about your Godfather, but tough shit, he was an asshole there."

Dumbledore's words in general at the end are infuriating. I know Dumbledore is not a fucking therapist. But he's a human being. Can he not understand how enraging talking about the normalcy of Harry's pain is and that he understands it? Goddam, Albus is a fucking ass there. And Rowling is a shitty writer.

I mentioned in the last review Sirius says the wisest thing in that book and the wisest thing in this book. Both things turn out to be untrue.

Sirius says here the world is not split between good people and Death Eaters. Damn good point, Sirius! Of course, he's WRONG! Umbridge, in fact, gleefully joins the program once Voldemort takes over in the last book, and IS in fact on the side of the Death Eaters, if not one herself. That would have a perfect moral to be true. And the bitch is it's possible Sirius should have been allowed to say that about a different character that IS true of. Like Snape, for instance. See what I mean about Rowling always taking the dramatically easy way out?

Mrs. Weasley continues to unimpress me. Not for her protectiveness of Harry at the beginning. But for having the argument in front of Sirius and Lupin. It is a mark of pure immaturity on her end that she talks about child-rearing with those two in FRONT of the child in question. Rowling might think it's interesting drama. It says that Mrs. Weasley is actually both a shitty parent and a shitty adult authority figure too.

Neville's arc of improving in the D.A. is another very good thing about the book. I am SO rooting for him. But he got so good so fast I have no idea why Harry would not have chosen him as one of the 3 extra D.A. members to come along on the rescue mission.

Everything Hagrid does in the book proves he was right to be sacked. And not by Umbridge. If Dumbledore had ANY sense, Hagrid would already be gone from Hogwarts.

The things Malfoy says at the end of the first Quidditch match are not just cruel. They seem unnecessarily cruel. It's telling that's the kind of thing Rowling believe crosses the actual line. You might almost think the woman is an amoral sociopath. And yeah, I would worry about ANYONE who could write a scene like that so effortlessly. That? That's BAD drama, right there. Good and bad drama are entirely different things. In Rowling's defense, she is far from the only writer who doesn't understand the difference. I would argue in fact MOST writers and creators of currently popular culture do not understand the distinction does, or at least SHOULD, exist. You won't love me for claiming that, but I think it's true.

One of the things I loved was Firenze's role and class lesson. It was SO refreshing to get a different nonhuman perspective. I especially love that it resonated with Harry, and he thought it was cool and unusual. I love Firenze calling Trelawney's ideas "Human nonsense." And I love that some of the class is offended. What's interesting is Harry learns that Firenze thinks Divination is near impossible for humans, still incredibly difficult for centaurs, and only with years of practice, and even centaurs still often misread the signs. The lesson of the future being unknowable is refreshing, and I dig it. The writing in that section was all solid.

Do you know what I don't dig? The prophecy at the end. Tell me again how this story is about choices again, J.K. It is to laugh.

I thought Harry was a stupid shithead all throughout the book, but Hermione was somehow even stupider with the centaurs at the end. This specific offensive thing she said, is something someone as knowledgeable as she is always portrayed, should already know not to say. It's bad enough Harry spends the book suffering from plot-related stupidity. Rowling gets wet noodle lashes for doing that to fucking Hermione! The noive!

Speaking of plot-related stupidity, how dumb is Harry that he forgot Snape was still at Hogwarts, and he could have gone to HIM with his worries about Sirius, since he was an Order member, and probably have done ALL of this without Umbridge finding out? The idea that he blames Snape for what happened at the end, when HE is the one who should have gone to Snape first is rich. Dumbledore also had a pretty good excuse not to blame Snape for Sirius taking his insults to heart: Sirius is a fucking adult, with his own agency, who made his own choices. Nice story about choices there, Rowling, that you refuse to even have your hero believe in them.

Winky's depressing ending is the first hint that Rowling doesn't actually give a shit about the immorality of the House-Elf situation, or even that she understands WHY the entire thing is immoral.

Phineas Nigellus' reaction to Dumbledore's escape was pretty funny.

I never liked Seamus Finnigan, but I think he's a little turd here. So what if he think Harry's is full of shit about Voldemort being back? Lavender Brown thought that too and didn't directly accuse him of it. It's not just that Seamus is wrong which is why that pissed me off. It's because it's rude and tacky. There was absolutely no reason to say it.

Loved Neville attacking Malfoy for the St. Mungo's crack. Get 'im, Neville!

It is not lost on me that Harry is far more bullying and cruel to Dudley Dursley at the beginning of the book than the other way around for the first time ever. The story venerates bullying. Rowling being what she is should NOT have been a surprise. But damn it, Luna still meant it was! It fucking hurt. Let me tell you that.

We covered everything? Yeah, I think so. But if you think this review was a slog? Nothing on the book. ***.